The folly of democracy

Gordon Brown insists that the Pakistani elections must continue despite the ongoing situation.

Let's examine some of the main opposition candidates:
1) Benazir Bhutto - "I'm feeling rather unwell so I think I'll give it a miss".
2) Nawaz Sharif - "I'm going to boycott the election, no I'm not, yes I am, oh I'll decide on the day".
3) Imran Khan - "Oops, I forgot to submit my nomination before the deadline so I can't stand".

Pakistan is a country that tends to be a lot more stable under military rule, as so-called democratically elected governments always descend into bribery and corruption. Democracy for the sake of democracy is less than pointless.


I must say though, Gordon Brown is better at delivering sombre, post-tragic speeches than his predecessor. Whereas Blair used to put on his fake 'deeply saddened' face, Brown is always miserable anyway, so he looks far more natural.

Happy Christmas, you cheap lousy faggot

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had earned while making toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I have to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours--all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet. What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. She says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas Tree came to pass.

Petrol head

On the news just now, a motorist at a Chelsea petrol station was asked if he knew that he was buying the most expensive petrol in the country.

"Yes, I know it's expensive, but it's the closest one to where I fill up with petrol"

My bum hurts

The result of the Great Gambit Go-Kart Grand Prix is that my left wrist, right forearm to inner elbow, both buttocks, right lower back, left ankle and right calf are all aching today.

The actual race was won by the red-hot favourite Mr Tethys (a.k.a. Monster of Rock/Moon of Satan/Prince of Darkness) who completed 93 laps in the 50 minute endurance race. He won a bottle of champagne, which he hates because "it tastes of piss".

A good showing from the Operations department to take the other two podium positions - Jasper (90 laps), Norm (88 laps).

Don't feed the frenzy

So another lunatic American has on gone on a killing spree in order to fulfil his desire to be famous. Wouldn't it have been nice if the press had decided not to name him? That would've really pissed him off.

Milk them for all they're worth

On the same day that Tesco have been reprimanded for charging too much money for milk, there's another report criticising them for not charging enough for alcohol.

The moral of the story: have whisky with your cornflakes.

i hang around with more wordy friends now

Snippet of an MSN messenger conversation with my teenage niece yesterday, (her latest web name is "ђєคгt รђคקє๔ ๒гยเรєร คภ๔ lคtє ภเﻮђt кเรรєร"):


ђєคгt รђคקє๔ ๒гยเรєร คภ๔ lคtє ภเﻮђt кเรรєร says:
i don't hang around with my chavvy friends any more

mister guts says:
Why not?

ђєคгt รђคקє๔ ๒гยเรєร คภ๔ lคtє ภเﻮђt кเรรєร says:
i'm a few syllables above them.

My wings are like a shield of steel

During the tea break in Kandy, I was flicking through the channels on my TV, fully expecting not to find anything interesting. How wrong I was. Who says there's nothing good on daytime TV?

There were documentaries:
When Disaster Strikes - examining the toxic mould phenomenon plaguing the US.
How It's Made - revealing how everyday items are made. This week: Carousel horses.

There were game-shows:
Takeshi's Castle - I'm not quite sure of the rules, and nor is Craig Charles on commentary.
Iron Chef America - I'm not quite sure of the rules but I think it's all about two sweaty teams of chefs preparing dozens of dishes amidst much shouting and high-fiving.
Extreme Dodgeball - I'm not quite sure of the rules but I think it's all about throwing a ball at your opponents amidst much shouting and high-fiving.

There was drama:
Bergerac - Jim intervenes in a dispute between two families.
Hercules - Legendary Journeys - Lots of big hair and bad acting.

And there was Batfink.

Travel advice

I have some advice for drivers who want to drive from West London to South West London. Go via Aldershot. It won't be pretty, but it will save you time.

I drove from Aldershot to Aldershot yesterday, in 3 legs.

1) Aldershot to Northolt (38 miles) took 45 minutes

2) Northolt to Wimbledon (15 miles) took 110 minutes

3) Wimbledon to Aldershot (32 miles) took 45 minutes


People often ask me why I don't own a car. Well I suppose I could pay lots of money for the privilege of sitting in traffic for hours, whilst refraining from reading, drinking, sleeping and crashing into other cars. But I won't bother for now.

Data magicians

Apparently HMRC officials didn't remove sensitive information before they decided to lose a disk full of data because it would have cost too much time and money. Having worked quite a lot with SQL database queries recently, I can fully sympathise.

Typing...

SELECT * FROM BIGDATABASE;

takes far fewer keystrokes than...

SELECT FIELD1, FIELD2, FIELD3 FROM BIGDATABASE;

Doing a Matthew

Went to a TNS leaving do on Friday. The most common question asked of me by ex-colleagues was, "So what are you up to these days, are you doing a Matthew?"

Is that a dance or something?

Should I stay or should I go?

Reasons why Sir Ian Blair shouldn't resign in the wake of the Menezes shooting:

July 15th - no-one died
July 16th - no-one died
July 17th - no-one died
July 18th - no-one died
July 19th - no-one died
July 20th - no-one died
July 21st - no-one died
July 22nd - someone died
July 23rd - no-one died
July 24th - no-one died
July 25th - no-one died
July 26th - no-one died
July 27th - no-one died

....I could go on.

What price the mule?

Apparently we all drink too much alcohol. I've been listening to various suggestions as to how we should tackle this particular demon.

1) Increase tax on alcohol.
Obviously a few extra pence on a pint will stop everyone from drinking

2) Increase the legal drinking age to 23.
Clearly teenagers aren't resourceful enough to find ways to get hold of alcohol

3) Decrease the legal drinking age to 13.
"That will stop it from going underground"

4) Don't let advertisers make alcohol so appealing.
Apparently it's up to advertisers to try not to sell their product

5) Prohibition.
If in doubt, just ban it

But by far the best one..

6) Give everyone vouchers for a certain number of units a week, which they need to display when buying alcohol. Brilliant.

I wonder how transferable these vouchers are, as I'm sure I would make it a personal mission to use up all my family's spare weekly units.

Big up the Peach

There was some English sporting success over the weekend, which seems to have passed most people by. Daryl Peach won the World 9-ball championship in Manila, the first Briton ever to do so.

I look forward to seeing his open-top bus parade when he returns home.

A day in the other office

Last week I spent a day in the traders' office rather than the usual geeks' office. It was no less perplexing, though extremely entertaining. Most conversations were something like the following:

字意字漢字かん字形漢한漢字形字意字じ漢字
意じHahahaha Robbie Keane hahahahaha 形形じ漢字形じ漢字
会象形字か字漢字漢象形한じ形字漢意字じ漢字
意会意字 Muthafaakaah 象形字字かん象字漢じ漢字
字象形漢字한자かじ漢象字字한漢한字象한じ漢象形漢意
字漢形漢한字象象字意Yayaya Spartak Moscow penalty形字漢字
字会意象形字한자んじ漢字字漢字形意字じ漢字
會Aaah shit, lost ten thousand dollaah 意字字字한象じ漢字
意字会字象漢字かじ字形漢한漢한象形한じ字字


[NB The Chinese characters above are intended to represent generic Cantonese chit-chat. Any offence caused by their actual meaning is purely coincidental/serendipitous.]

They don't make cricketers like they used to

Well done to the caption writer on the BBC website ...


"Gatting's new role is wide-reaching"

Vagrant of the day

Without wishing to give the impression that I'm spending all my time carousing with London's homeless community, I've just met an entertaining fellow on Turnham Green. Some of his words of wisdom:

"Today's not yesterday, and yesterday's not today, that's all you need to know"

"So I said to him, excuse me sir, can I marry your daughters."

"I have a short memory. It's good to have a short memory, 'cos that means you never forget"


I think I impressed him - he said to me: "I like you, you're a sarcastic bastard."

Most surprising response ever

Whilst wandering in the West End, I was passing an old sozzled, dishevelled tramp in a doorway. He was approached by a younger but equally sozzled and dishevelled colleague:

"Where's the nearest off licence mate?"
"Dunno mate"

Mind the Gap

So Gap have announced that they will destroy the clothes that were made for them in sweatshops in India. Precisely what does this achieve? Surely it would be more sensible to either donate the clothes to the needy children and their families, or to sell them as normal and then donate the profits accordingly.

I do wonder how many of the people who jumped onto the morality bandwagon, demanding the destruction of the clothes, are the same people who like to jump on the 'we should recycle more' bandwagon.

Incidentally, what is a bandwagon, and why do people like to jump onto it?

Bad day to bury bad news

There's no news today. I've just been listening to a radio phone-in show and these were the main issues:

- People will be discouraged from driving to the 2012 Olympics. No shit.

- Crack cocaine use may be more widespread than official statistics suggest. No shit.

- Supermarkets use too much packaging. Some are worse than others. No shit.

- The announcement of civil service job cuts leads to disgruntlement from staff. No shit.

- If Spurs continue to lose, Martin Jol's job may come under scrutiny. No shit.

- Didier Drogba claims he is happy at the club that pays him large amounts of money. No shit.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Mr Miserable - listen to 'Down the Line' instead.
Fortunately, he hates it when people agree with him.

Another day at the office

Some conversations I've overheard in the office recently. I can't decide whether it's way over my head or way beneath me. It's certainly not on my level.


- "It's all because of the magic white smoke in the CPU"
- "It's blue smoke, you heathen"


- "Is it a chemistry experiment?"
- "It's called a home-brew kit for a reason"
- "Oh"
(3 differing reactions from people in neighbouring offices to our office beer-making attempts)


"Using the arrow keys in vim insert mode is heresy"


"I got 19% in my networking exam"
(from our network administrator)


- "Can you take a look at this CV and give a rating between 0 and 10"
- "e"
- "OK, give me an integer between 0 and 10"
- "You haven't specified the base"
- "Fuck off"


"Oops, the hedge fund I used to work for just lost £80 million"


"I can't sit there, I don't like sunlight"


"What's Physics Dave's name?"


"Jasper's just not a functional or pictorial programmer, but he could be a decent programmer if he didn't hate it so much"


- "Is the number of elementary particles in the universe finite?"
- "Yes"
- "Do you want to bet a Mars bar on that?"

Blind Peter

I met a lovely couple on the bus last night. She was a shouty old hag, he was a blind paedophile. That's what she kept telling anyone who would listen anyway. Which was everyone, whether they liked it or not.

Or maybe she was saying "this is blind Peter File", it's difficult to say really.

Bible fight

www.adultswim.com/games/biblefight/

If you want to be Jesus, you can vent some frustration from that whole "being crucified" thing by smashing your opponents with your old rugged cross.

If you prefer to be Satan though, you can morph into a monstrous three-headed dog and charge across the screen at your enemy.

I found Satan to be more effective. What does that tell you?

Too tense for me

I received the following text message from somebody called "789" recently:

"Starting soon, we thought we'd text you when your Virgin Mobile balance is £2. That way, you'll never get caught short again!"

I may just be wearing my pedant's hat**, but isn't the first sentence just an aimless meander back and forth between tenses? It basically says: "In the future, we did something in the past when something presently happens".

My mobile phone usage has steadily increased over the last couple of years, to the extent that I'm spending more than a pound a month these days. But, if this is how I should be wording my texts, it appears that I have a long way to go before I can truly claim to be part of the mobile phone generation.

**or should that be pedants' hat, I ask in my pedant's voice. Or should that be pedants' voice?

It's a man's game

"Ooh, that nasty Scottish man just tapped me on the chin. I know, I'll run after him and give him what for. Actually no, on second thoughts, I'm a professional footballer so I'll fall over like a big nancy-boy."

103% fruitcake

I've just stumbled upon a random blog by a religious mathematics student. He claims:

"What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer this question:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D = 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!"

So there you go, proof if proof be need be.
What he fails to mention, however, is that B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

Global yawning

You can argue all you like about whether human carbon emissions are responsible for global warming, or whether it is down to solar radiation, animal flatulence, cyclical fluctuations or God.

You can argue all you like about whether a 2°C rise in temperature would cause a large number of heat-related deaths or whether this would be offset by the global decrease in cold-related deaths.

You can argue all you like about whether it is better to spend billions on making a small reduction in carbon emissions or whether this money would be better spent on providing agriculture, manufacturing, healthcare and education in the areas that are most affected.

But I'm not going to; I'm going to have a snooze instead.

I am Butt-Ugly Elmer Hacke

Arrh! Shiver me timbers, I forgot to talk like a pirate yesterday.

You can find out your pirate name by clicking here.

Foot in mouth

I think I may have offended our Ukrainian cleaning lady yesterday. After accidentally betting on a two-or-more goal victory for AS Roma in their Champions League match against Dinamo Kiev, I was discussing the match. Just as the cleaner walked in, I remarked that "the Ukrainians are rubbish". She gave me an icy glare rather than her usual cheery smile.

I was right though, Roma won 2-0.

Strolling bones

I was walking home along the canal towpath at a moderate to brisk pace, when I approached an elderly jogger. Was it rude of me to overtake him?

This one goes up to 31

I realised recently that the volume on my mp3 player goes up to 31.

Eat that, Tufnel!

Muso musings

About 9 months ago I started trawling through my old cassette collection and I have now finally completed the quest. Unsurprisingly the results are good, bad, ugly and downright embarrassing in fairly equal measures.
_________________________________________

Forgotten Classics

Most interesting stuff that I'd forgotten I owned.

1) Richard Thompson - Rumour and Sigh.

Quirky and humorous with stylish guitar-playing. "I feel so good I'm gonna break somebody's heart tonight"

2) Bobby McFerrin - Simple Pleasures.

Marvellous solo a capella vocalism. "Don't worry, be happy", he says. I couldn't agree more.

3) Spinal Tap - Break Like the Wind.

Far better than the bands they were parodying. The only shame is that the album doesn't include Nigel Tufnel's classical piano ballad "Lick my Love Pump"

4) Dirty Dozen Brass Band - Voodoo

The clue is in the name. They're a brass band, there are about twelve of them, and they play dirty old jazz and blues classics.

5) Terence Trent Darby - Neither Fish Nor Flesh.

Intriguing rather than particularly good, this was a surprisingly bleak, uncommercial follow-up to his hugely successful debut album. "Billy my friend, don't fall in love with me, I'm not that kind of guy"

_________________________________________

White-man blues

The popular myth is that white men can't play the blues. This is clearly untrue.

1) Stevie Ray Vaughan

Shortly after his fatal helicopter crash in 1990, I seem to remember a stand-up comedian putting it quite nicely : "Proof that God doesn't exist. Stevie Ray Vaughan is dead, yet Jon Bon Jovi lives"

2) Bobby Radcliff

I know very little about this guy except that he can produce some marvellously frenetic guitar pyrotechnics.

3) John Campbell

One-eyed growly-voiced Michael Bolton lookalike. But fortunately not soundalike.

4) Johnny Winter

His albinism makes him the whitest of all white blues men. Unless you count the head-to-toe tattoos.

5) The Allman Brothers Band

Rollicking Southern blues-rock that had me dancing around like a cretin. Includes "Jessica" (the Top Gear music). Hope I'm not turning into Clarkson.

_________________________________________

Stand-out tracks on otherwise mediocre abums

1) Good Morning Britain - Aztec Camera.

Cracking upbeat collaboration between Roddy Frame and ex-Clash frontman Mick Jones.

2) Norwegian Wood - Cornershop.

Hindi version of the Beatles song. ("Hai na ye achi, Norwegian Lakri")

3) Temptation - Wet Wet Wet.

Don't laugh. I'm not too proud to admit that I like this song. Oh, music can be an irrational beast.

_________________________________________

Drivel

1) Level 42 - Staring at the Sun

Mark King's high-chested pop-slap-bass can't disguise the fact that this is just dreary, monotonous rubbish.

2) The Animals

Nothing wrong the Animals, they wrote some classics in the late 60s. But I think this is a live album by a re-formed version of the group, and they sound like an eighties pub rock band doing bad covers of old Animals songs.

3) Dianne Reeves - Never Too Far

This starts promisingly with a lively jazzy tune, but quickly descends into soggy Whitney Houston-esque mush. The only positive is that it still had a price label on it, and it only cost me ten bob.

4) Billy Joel - Storm Front

Tripe.

The Glockberry

The only semi-automatic pistol with a full QWERTY keyboard. Defend your civil liberties without missing an email. Hurry now and own the official mobile device of the NRA.

Other similar devices can be found here

Future US President

She'll teach the US Americans to help South Africaaaah and The Iraq and everywhere like such as.

Angry letters (9)

I've just found an article from 1985 by the Times crossword compiler, in which he lists some of his favourite clues. See how many you can get - special prize to anyone who can get the last one.

**Updated - hover mouse over clue for answer**

1. Chips come in after fish (9)
2. Art Master (8)
3. Riding into the sunset magnificently mounted in Avon county (6-5-4)
4. 1,200 minus 200 (10)
5. Swiss canton where German is spoken? (4)
6. Bird calls? (6,6)
7. Peel's creation, initially (6,9)
8. Damage by fire headquarters of Scottish Orthodox Church (6)
9. Dial 999 if upset - you might get him (5)
10. They hang from trees in the book of Jeremiah (6)

Apocalypse Now

Today I am wearing a jacket in August for the first time since records began.

Records have now begun.

Hot Stuff

Now you can watch live temperature fluctuations at the Gambit Research luxury offices. And the temperature at Heathrow is included for comparison.

This is what you get when you work with computery people, who bicker about the office temperature and then feel obliged to come up with a technical solution to back up their arguments. Still, I'm pretty certain it's more exciting than Big Brother.

http://www.gambitresearch.com/temperature-day.png

Three of a kind

I've had three visits from engineers in the last few days. All three serviced me adequately(!) but all three brought with them just the slightest hint of bizarreness.

The electricity man, who was due to arrive between 8am an 1pm, arrived at 7.30; surely an engineer/delivery man arriving half an hour before their given five-hour window is unprecedented in history.

The phone man didn't even enter my house. He gave me a device to plug into my phone socket, went back to his car and drove off. He returned 15 minutes later and asked for his device back, and the phone was magically working again.

The gas man found a pot of blue paint lying around and rather perplexingly decided to throw it everywhere, mostly all over his shirt. I would've asked him why but I was too busy laughing.

The Gambit Research Whine

The result of the Great Gambit Research Wine Tasting Challenge was never in doubt really. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

The teams were:

1) The Computer Geeks, consisting of...
(i) A small boy, who was more interested in the chocolate brownies than the wine.
(ii) An eccentric Scotsman, whose main contribution was to point out that a cork displays a negative poisson distribution. To demonstrate this, he squashed a brownie between his fingers, clearly illustrating that a brownie is something which doesn't display a negative poisson distribution.
(iii) A moon of Saturn, who dislikes wine, so his main strategy was that whichever wine he liked most must be the cheapest.

2) The Disciples of Copas : two ex-Warwick students who spent far too much time bickering over whether wine number 3 smelt a bit twee or a bit like wee.

3) The Classicists, one of whom organised the evening, had been to two similar wine tastings before, and used to work in the wine trade. Not fair.

Facebook shmacebook

I don't think I'm quite up to speed with the Facebook phenomenon which is supposedly sweeping the world. Any advice would be much appreciated.

1. I have a top friends friend request. What privileges , if any, do top friends friends get?

2. I have a Zombie request. Should I start biting chumps?

3. I have received a Shirley Temple (pink cocktail). Should I virtually drink it?

4. This is Tala. She wants to be my friend. Should I accept on the basis that it will make me look more popular? Or should I decline on the basis that I don't know who the hell she is. For all I know she could be a man, or a terrorist, or a politician. Or a male terrorist politician.

Homer says...

Words of wisdom from Homer Simpson:

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"God bless those pagans."

Delhi Jelly

Graham Gooch was on the radio this morning explaining why Zaheer Khan was angrily waving his bat at Kevin Pietersen yesterday evening. Apparently it was because someone left some jelly babies by the stumps as Zaheer came in to bat and he took exception to this. Thanks Goochie, that clears it up.

Bowling a maiden over

E-mail sent to the TMS website a short while ago. I don't know why it made me laugh, but it did.

"I played against (England women's captain) Charlotte Edwards in an under-15 match about 10 years ago. She was playing for Ramsey. Someone bowled her a bouncer, it hit her straight in the breasts, and she cried her eyes out. Nice girl though."

Lightweight

Marc on the journey home last night. Youngsters these days just can't hold their drink.

Puffs

I do feel sorry for politicians sometimes. Whenever one of them admits to having smoked cannabis in the past they never seem to have got any pleasure out of it - they always say something like "It was only one or two puffs" or "I didn't inhale" or "I didn't really enjoy it". When will one of the poor sods admit that they took drugs because they liked it?

wot a lowd ov nonsuns

In the latest example of the strategy "if we lower the bar, more children can get over it", some woman called Masha Bell (presumably that was originally "Mashable" but she's simplified the spelling) claims that if we dumb down spelling it will improve literacy.
(Click here to see article)

She says:
"Worldwide, English spelling wastes zillions, not onely in terms of time and effort, but in real munny too: for remedial education and to suport functionally illiterate adults. The latter ar also mor likely to becum yung singl parents, end up in jail, be adicted tu drugs and alcohol and hav poor helth."

I find it rather ironic that she managed to spell "functionally illiterate adults" correctly.

Lucky escape

I felt the full force of the terror threat in London the other day, and I can tell you it wasn't a pleasant experience. As I entered Lancaster Gate tube station, there was a suspicious-looking character just inside the entrance. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small detonation device and placed his thumb on the button, poised to do the dirty deed. By this point I was rooted to the spot, too terrified to react. Fortunately a heroic member of LU staff leapt across the lobby with a combination of grace, speed and athleticism. He bravely thwarted the attempted atrocity by politely pointing out to the man that he would have to go outside if he wanted to smoke.

Allez allez allez!

To all the grumpy old cynical farts in East London, Le Tour's visit to Londres was a marvellous spectacle, worth every penny. Where else can a million people go and see a major sporting event for free in blazing sunshine on the streets of our fair capital city?

I look forward to the climb at le Côte de Farthing Common later today.

Round the bend

Several years after the introduction of bendy buses onto the streets of London, I'm still none the wiser as to the advantages of putting the second deck behind rather than on top of the first.

I got on a bendy 207 the other day and swiped my Oyster card on the reader. Immediately I felt rather foolish, as it appeared that it was a free bus for all the other passengers.

As the front of the bus reached the stop where I wanted to get off, the driver wasn't allowed to open the doors as he had to wait until the whole of the bus was at the stop. In order for this to be possible, the bendy bus in front would need to pull away. In order for this to be possible, the bus needed to take a line which would take it into the opposite lane, thus had to wait for a significant gap in the oncoming traffic. So, more than 5 minutes after reaching the bus stop, I was able to alight. Then I tried to cross the road but couldn't because there was a huge sodding bendy bus in the way.

I say bring on the much-maligned Ealing tram, it's got to be an improvement.

Reasons to be cheerful

Just been listening to some CDs and I've decided that the greatest lyrical genius of the 20th century wasn't Dylan or Gershwin or Half Man Half Biscuit, it was clearly Ian Dury. And the music's dead funky too.
_________________________________________

"Van Gogh did some eyeball pleasers.
He must have been a pencil squeezer.
He didn't do the Mona Lisa,
That was an Italian geezer.

Einstein can't be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splittingness,
Frighten everybody shitless.

There ain't 'alf been some clever bastards (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)"
_________________________________________

"Sex and drugs and rock and roll is very good indeed"
_________________________________________

"Just cos I ain't never 'ad no nothing worth 'aving never ever never... ever.
You ain't got no call not to think I wouldn't fall into thinking that I ain't too... clever.
And it ain't not 'aving one thing nor not another either neither is it anythink... whatever.
And it's not not knowing that there ain't nothing showing and I answer to the name of Trevor... however,
Knock me down with a feather, clever Trevor"
_________________________________________

"40 year old housewife Mrs Elizabeth Walker of Lambeth Walk,
Had a husband who was jubblified with only half a stalk,
So she had a milk of magnesia and curry powder sandwich and half a pound of uncut pork,
Took an overdose of Omo, this made the neighbours talk"

Let's all shout at nutters II

Keith Allen was the latest British journalist to lose his rag in the face of religious fundamentalism, when he interviewed the Westboro Baptist Church.

Q: When you engage in that despicable act...
A: You're just chicken shit
Q: Why don't you jump in the graves with the dead soldiers and cut their heads off and shit in their faces?
A: I may do that some day

Next documentary, coming soon : "Gordon Ramsay meets the Taleban" (in which Gordon blows his top when they refuse to eat his pork cider casserole).

Complete bollards

Picture taken by my niece Tasha at her school the other day.

Balloon monkey darts

Just what the internet was crying out for - a balloon-popping darts monkey game. Click on the monkey..

Snaps

Just two months after returning from Indochina, here are some holiday snaps. This is the age of instant digital photography after all. (Click on the picture to enlarge.)


Rice wine frenzy (click here to see original post)



Cu Chi Tunnel entrance (click here to see original post)



Hard at work



Nice hat Gareth



Residents of the Royal Palace in Phnom Penh



Khmer Cookery - the result (click here to see original post)



Khmer Rouge rules and regulations. Nice chaps.



Angkor Wat temple



Ta Prohm temple

LOL

Swede and Yorkshire Pudding

Has anyone noticed how alike Sven Goran Erikkson and Michael Vaughan look? No? Just me then.

Anyone know a good exorcist?

A short while ago Sky Sports suddenly, without warning, turned into BBC Radio Wales for a few minutes. And it was playing a Cher song.

I think my TV must be possessed by someone Welsh who likes rubbish American music and doesn't like cricket. I'm struggling think of anyone who might fit that description.

Either that or the cable company has been sending lizards down the line.

Let's all shout at nutters

John Sweeney screaming at Scientologists on Panorama last night was the funniest thing I've seen on TV for ages.


Here is a link if you want to watch it over and over again.

Drives me crazy

(Or perhaps that should be 'me drives crazy')

• I drove on the wrong side of the road, which was right.

• I tried to go the right way round a roundabout, which was wrong.

• I followed a car the wrong way down a road, which was very wrong.

• I then went the right way up the same road whilst facing the wrong way, which was fun.

• While all this was happening the gearstick, handbrake and passenger seat were on my right, which was just plain silly.

Over many years there has been endless debate about a single European currency. Why no mention of a more sensible suggestion - a single road traffic direction?

Don't Cry for me Argentina

Overheard Northerners in conversation at the Benalmadena Palace Disco Bar:

Younger bloke:
"Who's the best player you've ever seen, like?"

Older bloke:
"Georgie Best, like, without a doubt mate."

Younger bloke:
"I'm too young to remember him, like, it has to be Cantona for me. Although that Madonna was pretty good in the eighties."

Older bloke:
"Eh eh, mad for it, mad for it."

(Okay, I may be making up the last line, but the rest is genuine)

Lost weekend

On leaving the pub on Friday night there was the usual kerfuffle about where/whether to eat. Lynne wanted a curry; Matthew didn't; Mark wanted something cheap; Ali wanted another drink. I couldn't resist the aroma of the frying onions from the burger man on the street corner and I bought myself a burger. Ali was almost tempted by the smell too, but she ended up skipping off into the distance instead. I wandered into Holborn Station and jumped onto the first train I saw. After a little snooze I woke up at Turnpike Lane. So I got off and jumped on a bus to Swiss Cottage. As I was not far away, I decided to make a pilgrimage to the home of Cricket. I struck up a converation with a local homeless man about the state of English cricket. He was remarkably well-informed and had all the answers. I sauntered off towards Marylebone Station where, after calmly foiling some would-be muggers, I took a train to South Ruislip. On the walk home I bumped into some superheroes who invited me to a party. Despite my lack of fancy dress, I joined them for a couple of drinks and a few stunts on the garden shed roof. I eventually made it home as the sun was rising.

I assume that's what happened anyway, I seem to have lost a large chunk of memory.

E's are good

A couple of months ago I booked some plane tickets through lastminute.com to go from Siem Riep to Hanoi. They were e-tickets.

Upon arrival at the Vietnam Airlines check-in desk, we were told that they aren't able to support e-tickets.

They had our names on their computer; the computer also told them that we had paid for our tickets; and which seats we had been allocated; we had our passports to prove who we were; and we had a booking reference number. But they couldn't let us on the plane because we didn't have any physical tickets. So we had to buy new tickets.

Obviously I'm going to claim the money back, but who do I claim it from?
1) Lastminute.com, on the basis that they shouldn't have sold us e-tickets which weren't usable.
2) Vietnam Airlines, on the basis that they shouldn't have made us buy a new ticket given that they knew we had already bought them.
3) Travel insurance company, on the basis that the first two are doomed to failure.

Answers on a postcard please. Or in the comments box.

Am I old or am I not?

I can now officially cook Khmer food - I even have a certificate to prove it.

During the cookery class, the teacher asked me how old I was. So I told her, much to the amusement of the rest of the kitchen staff. I asked how old they thought I looked, and after a little conference they decided on "one hundred".

Later on, downstairs in the same restaurant, the waitress noticed the date of birth on my certificate, and on seeing the incredulous look on her face, I asked her how old she thought I was. She said "nineteen".

Tooting common

Use of the car-horn in Vienam is an extremely important skill for drivers, but it's never in a threatening, fist-waving way like it is at home. It's always just a little toot to alert other drivers of your presence, just as the highway code says you should.

Crossing the road in Hanoi or Saigon is a leap of faith. You just need to step onto the road and keep walking, no matter how many cars and scooters appear to be hurtling towards you from all directions. You may occasionally need a little sidestep or shimmy, but whatever you do, don't stop and don't run; just keep walking slowly, and the traffic will miraculously avoid you. Seems to me that this organised chaos should be adopted in the West.

Am I fat or am I not?

I was buying a t-shirt in Hoi An and I wasn't sure what size to buy. The girl in the shop stepped back and looked at me and decided that I would need XXL.

The following day I comfortably managed to fit into one of the entrances of the Cu Chi tunnels, which were designed to be big enough for the Vietnamese to enter, but too small for the big-arsed American GIs.

So all I can ascertain is that I'm fatter than the Vietnamese and skinnier than Americans. No shit.

Soap Fan

We were having some noodles in a remote village shop/living room with some Vietnamese people the other day. On the TV was a Korean soap opera, with all the voices, male or female, dubbed into Vietnamese by one woman. During a particular scene, I pointed out to Gareth that this was clearly a dream. And sure enough, it cut to the lead character waking up in a cold sweat. At which point all the locals gasped in surprise and murmured some words which I assumed to mean "gosh, it was a dream". So it appears that I can predict Eastern soap operas better than the people who can actually understand them.

Drinking with the Thuongs

You've just finished your dinner and are having one last beer before going to bed, after a long day of trekking through the Vietnam rainforests, when you are invited to join the local villagers for a drink. Apparently the youngest member of the family is one month old today, which is a traditional family celebration.

There are about 30 family members there, seated at 3 tables, roughly split as (i) elder gents (ii) younger gents and (iii) the loopy women. There is only one other English speaker there, and a couple of French speakers, of which you have a small amount of knowledge. All other communication is done with hand gestures and facial expressions.

You start at table 1 and are given a shot glass full of rice wine. You are told that this is fairly weak, at only about 35% abv. You clink glasses with everyone else at the table and you all knock back the drink in one. Seconds later your glass is full again, and you repeat the process again. The first drink was for health, the second for family, the third for friendship etc.

After about 15 minutes you move onto table 2. This is much like table 1 except that the toasts are to more abstract things like somebody's haircut, or to rice wine itself. By now, many people are sporting wide grins. A short while later you move onto table 3. The women are vicious. If you spill a drop while clinking glasses or don't quite knock back the whole drink in one, they make you drink another glass as a forfeit. But you soon gain their respect by accepting their forfeits manfully, and they label you as "Mister Number One Man".

You go back to table one where the baby's grandfather is looking rather merry, yet somehow retains his dignity. A couple of rounds later and it's clear that, after just an hour, the drinking frenzy is winding down. Some people have scampered off to the toilet; others have gone to bed; one is giggling uncontrollably in the corner. A hard-core few remain at table 2 but they are now drinking at a more sensible rate and discussing Vietnamese politics.

What you've just taken part in is the most bizarre drinking session of your life. Extraordinary!

Double Bass

I figured out what the bassline was - it was Omar's "There's nothing like this".
You're probably wondering "whatever happened to Omar?" Well, he's just collaborated with Asher D (one thirty-fifth of So Solid Crew) on his latest album. So now you know.

Double Vision

I had my eyes tested a couple of days ago and apparently my eyes have improved by around 0.75 since my last test. If I continue at this rate I should have perfect vision by the time I'm around 55.

According to the optician I should have been experiencing double-vision, headaches and tired eyes recently because my current glasses are too strong. I'm certainly experiencing all those things today, but I'm pretty certain that it has more to do with last night's beer intake.

I'm not sure I believe too much of what he says though; when I mentioned that I'm going to Vietnam, he asked if I was going to see how the war is going. And when I was choosing which specs to buy, he tried to convince me that I should go for a hideous designer brand on the basis that, even though it would be more expensive, I would've actually 'saved' more money due to the 50% discount he was offering. Do people really fall for that clap-trap? I fear the answer is yes.

Phones, not 4 me?

I arranged to meet Mark & Reena at the pub the other day. I deliberately turned up half an hour late knowing that they wouldn't arrive on time, but they were even more tardy than I'd estimated, and hence I had another 20 minutes to kill. So I bought myself a new mobile phone.

It doesn't work.

I took the SIM card out of my old phone and put it in the new one. Actually, to be more accurate, firstly I took the battery out of my old mobile phone thinking it was a SIM card (well how was I supposed to know what a SIM card looked like?) and tried to insert it into the new one. It didn't fit.

So I took the SIM card out of my old phone and put it in the new one. It did fit.

Then I inserted the correct battery, and plugged the phone into the mains. Nothing happened. No flashing lights, no funky ring tones, nothing. Am I missing something really obvious, is there an on/off button or something?

And now, when I try to make my old phone work, it doesn't charge up. So now I am the proud owner of two mobile phones, neither of which works. No, scrap that. Now I am the slightly embarrassed owner of two mobile phones, neither of which works.

Omg, I am sooo previous!

My favourite web page

Just click on the red screen..

http://www2s.biglobe.ne.jp/~circus/nanicolle/guts.html

My first 2 days at my new skool

Wednesday
i went bak 2 skl 2day. i went on a train. when i got there i met my teacher, who woz a big scary man wiv a beard. then i went out 4 lunch. then i surfed the net for a bit and then i went home.

Thursday
we went on a skool trip 2day. first we went in a car 2 the airport. then we got on a plane. it was just a small plane, not like the big one in the film snakes on a plane. one of the boys in my class was a scaredy-cat and didn't want to get on the plane. lol. when i woz on the plane i had some fizzy pop. i think it must have been out of date as it made my head feel a bit funny. when i got 2 france i had another drink which made me feel a bit funny too. omg, i think it had petrol in it. then we had lunch. i think they forgot to cook the burgers but no-one seemed 2 mind. then we went 2 the beach n played in the sand. a bit l8r we went bak home.

Continuing the theme...

Is it true that Jo from Big Brother said that she felt like a Guinea-pig in a goldfish bowl? No wondered she behaved oddly.

Some stuff I've learnt recently

1) You only need to sell about 3000 singles to get into the top 40. "Showers for hours" is destined for the charts methinks. If we get a big enough band together (like the Polyphonic Spree), it'll probably only cost a couple of hundred pounds each to download enough singles to get into the charts. Anyone know a drummer?

2) There's a nice restaurant in Uxbridge, called the Martin's Place Bistro. The plaice and prawns in flamingo juice was marvellous. But don't start a fire there as a fire engine can't fit up the road between the parked cars.

3) The guy in the lilac turban says that we're going gambling mad as a nation. But what does he know, he was amazed when a professional gambler guessed five out of ten true/false questions correctly.

4) You're a witch and I pray for your death. I'm allowed to say that.

5) It's bread!

6) Pool and darts were fun today.

Pasta Fagan Edges Black-Ball Thriller

Pasta Rogue gained some small measure of revenge today following his recent 9-ball drubbing, potting a fine long black to thwart a heroic comeback from Mister Guts, securing a 3-2 victory at the East Acton Snooker Emporium.

The Rogue raced into a 2-0 lead, largely based around his repeated use of two particular shots :-
1) the blue ball ricocheting off both jaws of one middle pocket before rocketing into the opposite one; and 2) the slow long pot, whereupon the roll on the table was enough to compensate for the Rogue's lack of accuracy.

Spurred on by a backdrop of Pakistan's Test defeat of South Africa, Mister Guts then demonstrated his bouncebackability by romping through the next two frames, setting up a tense deciding frame. Guts had the first opportunity to take the match, missing a a tricky long black before Rogue stepped up confidently to seal the win.

Bass

The neighbours are being very noisy today, what's that song with the bassline that goes di-di-di-dit-durr-di-dur-dur?