Comic Strip

We had our first candidates for an admin role in our office this week. The very first interviewee was by far the most intriguing. Turns out she's a part time stand-up comedian and burlesque artist.

Alas, she didn't get the job, we went for a more sensible Polish option instead. Shame, would've been interesting.

More dumbing down

When my niece Tasha finished taking her GCSEs a couple of months ago, she claimed she did OK in five of them but really badly in the other five. Sure enough, this was reflected in her results:

5 A stars and 5 A's.

Dumbing down

I notice that the Asymmetric Bars have been re-named as Uneven Bars, presumably because asymmetric is too difficult to spell/understand.
Next to go will be the Parallel Bars - re-branded as 'Next-to-eachother Bars'.
Pommel Horse will become 'Brown block with handles on it.
And the Floor will become, um, the Floor.

What a load of tweddle.

European Union

I was on the District Line yesterday. Some Polish guys were milling about in the standing area. At the next stop a teacher got on with about a dozen children, on their way home from a school trip to the theatre. There weren't enough seats for all of them so the teacher offered some helpful advice: "Those of you who can't find a seat, make sure you hang onto a Pole".

Boo Hoo

I assume he's crying because one of his fellow competitors accidentally (or otherwise) shot him in the kneecap.

Nice try

When Radovan Karadzic went on the run in 1995, he decided to disguise himself as a recently deceased celebrity. He could have chosen Fred West, Peter Cook, Kenny Everett or Ginger Rogers, but eventually decided on Jerry Garcia, guitarist from the Grateful Dead. Good choice, methinks.

It's quite simple really

Billy Bowden has a good view of a disputed catch. He gives the batsman out and the batsman accepts this. But Billy decides he'd like to double-check with the third umpire. Fair enough.

Under current rules, the third umpire has to give it not out if there is any doubt. And there always is doubt when looking at TV replays of a low catch, so it's a pointless exercise.

This is where the law needs to change:

If the third umpire is certain that the on-field umpire was wrong he can overrule, otherwise the original decision stands.

Not Cricket

It's my turn in a game of "name the cricketers in London", and I'm struggling to think of my next move. Here's what we've had so far (yes, some of them are rather tenuous, but never mind):

Gordon Greenwich
Jack Russell (Square)
Phil Tufnell (Park)
Shane Bond (Street)
Mark Eal(ing)ham(mersmith)
Craig White (City)
Reon King(s Cross)
Chris Old (Street)
Graham Goodge (Street)
Nick Knight(sbridge)
Warren (Street) Hegg
(St) Kevin James('s Park)
Dominic Ostler(ley)
Stuart/Chris Broad(gate Circus)
Jon Lewis(ham)
David Lloyd(s of London)
Danish Kaneria (Wharf)
Allan Lamb(eth)
(St) John('s Wood) Emburey
Imran Khan(cery Lane)
Ken(sington) Barrington
Vic(toria) Marks
Paul Colliers Wood
(Hampstead) Heath Streak
Bruce French (Embassy)
Alan Knott(ing Hill)
David Shepherd(s Bush)
Robin Smith(field's Market)
(Big) Ben Hollioake
Ian Blackwell (Tunnel)
Bill (Westminster) Athey
Rod (Hackney) Marsh
Ian Bow tham
Steve (Imperial) Waugh (Museum)

I'm thinking Desmond Haynes(ault) and Neil (Cock)Foster(s). Hmmm.

Pub Vince

I am pleased to say that Pub Vince is alive and well. And he's still sitting on the same stool as he was 15 years ago.


He also gave news of the other New Inn regulars:

Andy the landlord: "Ah, Mister Bean. He went bankrupt"

Robin: "Heart attack Robin? He's dead. House burnt down."

Andy's wife: "Having the affair with Robin really opened her eyes. She'd moved onto another bloke by then."

Andy's girlfriend: "No idea what happened to her. We used to call her Amber, on account of the colour of her teeth."

Mick: "He's bald now, you wouldn't recognise him"

Gordon the barman: "We all moved to the Oak after it all kicked off. We took Gordon with us."

Pete Lambert: "He's moved to Cyprus. Phoned me up pissed out of his mind, he's just an alcoholic like the rest of his family"

What do these artists have in common?

Leonard Cohen
FPI Project
DJ Rodriguez
Snog
Superchumbo
Genesis
Jennifer Warnes
REM
Xscape
Ini Kamoze
Daft Punk
Nichole Nordeman
Joe Cocker
Darren Hayes
matt pond PA
Rahsaan Patterson
The Sounds of Blackness
Madonna
Labi Siffre
Teresa Jennings
Fascinators
Iron Butterfly
Anton Bruhin & Various Trümpi Artists
Hybrid
Storyteller
Kulas
Alex Lauterstein
4 Friends (Bryan Miller, Brenda Silas Moore, Wayne Moore, & Gilmore Rizzo)
Bubba Sparxxx
Spide
Ross Irwin Big Band
DDJ Bass
iNXS
Paul Spicer/Finzi Singers
Winifred Atwell
Westar Music
Para Para ft.Jo
Cleo Laine
Catherine Bott, Joseph Cornwell and The Parley of Instruments
John McCutcheon
Cue
Chad & Jeremy
Lowry Olafson
Tore W.Aas
Elias Rahbani
Tyrell Corp
Honesty 69
Various Artists
Siobhán Forde
Sergey Krivobokov: Moscow Symphony Orchestra, Moscow Capella, Moscow Youth Chorus
Ellena Alekseyeva: Moscow Symphony Orchestra
Andy Shaw Band


I've just bought a new toy - a USB cassette deck to convert my old tapes to mp3 format. It's quite clever, it even attempts to identify your music automatically; it tends to be quite good at guessing, correctly identifying relatively obscure artists such as Robert Ward and Adrian Legg.

Occasionally, however, it gets a bit confused - above is a list of suggestions for Richard Thompson's album 'Rumor and Sigh'.

I must go and buy something by Anton Bruhin & Various Trümpi Artists now.

Allez les Bleus

Not sure if this is genuinely the French team bus but I hope so.

I am Kara Crane, but only at the weekends

I have donned a little black dress for the cover of my debut album.

Tube of not very smarties

Admittedly the tube booze ban was an ill-thought out, knee-jerk reaction to a problem which doesn't really exist.

But what's the best way to organise a protest? How can we best demonstrate the fact that drinking on the tube doesn't cause disruption? I know, let's all have a big piss-up and cause as much disruption as possible. Genius.

Declining standards

The first company outing after I started working here was a trip to the North of France for lunch, by private plane.

The next was a trip to Southend for lunch, by minibus.

Last week we went to Hanger Lane for lunch, by tube.

Is this a sign that the credit crunch is kicking in?

Women and football

Some women have been on a radio phone-in talking about their lack of interest in tonight's football. Well there's some sense in the last one anyway.


"Why are all the fans travelling all the way to Russia, just think of the carbon footprint. Why can't they play it over here?"

"It's very sad that so many men worship football instead of God"

"No, I won't be watching it, I'll be doing some housework then I'll watch Desperate Housewives"

"Tonight I'm going to the park to have a picnic"

"I find football pretty boring, I much prefer watching cricket"

Blast from the past

Non-sense

The tube was broken yesterday so I got on a bus. It was one of those new buses which has a voice over the loudspeaker calling out the name of the next stop.

Some youngsters in baseball caps and sunglasses (despite the fact that it was after dark) were sat near me:

"Dat voice is really annoying, what's going on?"

"It's for the deaf people, innit."

Computer Virus

I think I'm allergic to the office. I keep getting ill far more often than I ever used to before I worked here. There are several possible factors causing my body to react negatively. My guess is f.

a) Being surrounded by lots of hairy blokes talking about Python and Erlang.
b) Lingering smell of last week's Chinese food in the office
c) Temperamental air-conditioning system
d) Festering keg of home-brew bitter sitting in the corner
e) Greasy lunches at the Irish pub
f) All of the above

Ya Mo Be There

From time to time I have some Isley Brothers tunes on my mp3 player. Bizarrely, whenever their cover version of the Doobie Brothers' song "Listen to the Music" comes on, I happen to be walking past the Michael McDonald lookalike who works at Chiswick Park station. Coincidence or what?

The original Barmy Army

Good to see the mighty Aldershot promoted back to the football league for next season, 16 years after they went bankrupt.

Whereas most deluded football fans make ludicrous claims such as "We're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen", I remember a chant from the Aldershot fans which was far more realistic:

"We're the pride of North Hampshire"

Eat that, Farnborough and Basingstoke.