Future US President

She'll teach the US Americans to help South Africaaaah and The Iraq and everywhere like such as.

Angry letters (9)

I've just found an article from 1985 by the Times crossword compiler, in which he lists some of his favourite clues. See how many you can get - special prize to anyone who can get the last one.

**Updated - hover mouse over clue for answer**

1. Chips come in after fish (9)
2. Art Master (8)
3. Riding into the sunset magnificently mounted in Avon county (6-5-4)
4. 1,200 minus 200 (10)
5. Swiss canton where German is spoken? (4)
6. Bird calls? (6,6)
7. Peel's creation, initially (6,9)
8. Damage by fire headquarters of Scottish Orthodox Church (6)
9. Dial 999 if upset - you might get him (5)
10. They hang from trees in the book of Jeremiah (6)

Apocalypse Now

Today I am wearing a jacket in August for the first time since records began.

Records have now begun.

Hot Stuff

Now you can watch live temperature fluctuations at the Gambit Research luxury offices. And the temperature at Heathrow is included for comparison.

This is what you get when you work with computery people, who bicker about the office temperature and then feel obliged to come up with a technical solution to back up their arguments. Still, I'm pretty certain it's more exciting than Big Brother.

http://www.gambitresearch.com/temperature-day.png

Three of a kind

I've had three visits from engineers in the last few days. All three serviced me adequately(!) but all three brought with them just the slightest hint of bizarreness.

The electricity man, who was due to arrive between 8am an 1pm, arrived at 7.30; surely an engineer/delivery man arriving half an hour before their given five-hour window is unprecedented in history.

The phone man didn't even enter my house. He gave me a device to plug into my phone socket, went back to his car and drove off. He returned 15 minutes later and asked for his device back, and the phone was magically working again.

The gas man found a pot of blue paint lying around and rather perplexingly decided to throw it everywhere, mostly all over his shirt. I would've asked him why but I was too busy laughing.

The Gambit Research Whine

The result of the Great Gambit Research Wine Tasting Challenge was never in doubt really. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

The teams were:

1) The Computer Geeks, consisting of...
(i) A small boy, who was more interested in the chocolate brownies than the wine.
(ii) An eccentric Scotsman, whose main contribution was to point out that a cork displays a negative poisson distribution. To demonstrate this, he squashed a brownie between his fingers, clearly illustrating that a brownie is something which doesn't display a negative poisson distribution.
(iii) A moon of Saturn, who dislikes wine, so his main strategy was that whichever wine he liked most must be the cheapest.

2) The Disciples of Copas : two ex-Warwick students who spent far too much time bickering over whether wine number 3 smelt a bit twee or a bit like wee.

3) The Classicists, one of whom organised the evening, had been to two similar wine tastings before, and used to work in the wine trade. Not fair.

Facebook shmacebook

I don't think I'm quite up to speed with the Facebook phenomenon which is supposedly sweeping the world. Any advice would be much appreciated.

1. I have a top friends friend request. What privileges , if any, do top friends friends get?

2. I have a Zombie request. Should I start biting chumps?

3. I have received a Shirley Temple (pink cocktail). Should I virtually drink it?

4. This is Tala. She wants to be my friend. Should I accept on the basis that it will make me look more popular? Or should I decline on the basis that I don't know who the hell she is. For all I know she could be a man, or a terrorist, or a politician. Or a male terrorist politician.

Homer says...

Words of wisdom from Homer Simpson:

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"God bless those pagans."