FUNET?

I always used to shake my head in despair at the illiteracy of the youth of today when they use abbreviations such as "cu l8r".

Turns out I was wrong. They are actually displaying their multi-linguistic skills.

Bunch of chickens

The Aussies are obviously concerned about the current fitness levels within their team. So, in order to help them produce the next Shane Warne/Merv Hughes/Mark Taylor, the South Africa test series was sponsored by KFC.

"It's OK as an occasional treat", said the ACB chairman, obviously failing to notice that the Channel 9 competition was offering a year's free supply of KFC to the winner.

I reckon it's time to pre-emptively pick Rob Key as captain and Ian Blackwell as spinning allrounder for the Ashes.

Gig Review

White Lies - Competent indie jangly stuff, but I felt like I'd seen dozens of similar bands over the years.

Ladyhawke - Nice enjoyable retro-pop, she seemed to be having fun with her cheesy 80s synthesiser and pyromanic lyrics.

Ida Maria - Probably the highlight - A potty Norwegian woman with a great hat. Wicked! (I think that's the word the kids use these days).

Iglu & Hartly - Mediocre Chilli-Pepper wannabes, but decent energy nonetheless.

The Rifles - Started promisingly with a nice melody, but went downhill once they started singing. A bit dull thereafter.

Kaiser Chiefs - Cracking stuff. One of those strange bands that I don't really like but I like most of their songs. A bit like the Beatles I suppose. Their prediction of a riot was unfounded.

The busker on the way there - Rubbish. He thought he was Jimi Hendrix, in fact he was actually not quite as good as Jimmy Nail.

Magic Circle

Question: Which Knight invented the Round Table?

Answer: Sir Cumference.

Ebay should have a breathalyser

About 18 years ago I bought a guitar off my mate Andy. A few years later I sold it back to Andy, and he has since sold it on. It was a Les Paul copy, nothing special, but a nice little guitar nonetheless, and whilst we were having a few pints the other day, we both lamented the fact that we'd sold it.

When I got home there was a documentary on the telly about Neil Young, in which he was playing a Les Paul, making an extraordinary noise, and I decided that I must have one. So I went onto ebay and made a bid for the guitar below, which turned out to be successful. Quite expensive for something that'll just sit in the corner gathering dust.



Incidentally, the documentary contained a fine piece of journalism, a clip from a CNN interview with Neil Young. The first question was:

"There's a song on your album called Let's impeach the President. What's that about?"

Oops, my mistake

When they told me I should be stuffing my face for a month in order to fulfil spiritual enlightenment, I was somewhat surprised. Spiritual enlightenment is not something I've been particularly seeking, but I thought I'd give it a go anyway, so I diligently followed instructions at every opportunity.

Then I realised they'd actually said I should be fasting, not feasting.

Tobacco Master is back

A couple of years ago I was messenged (I assume that's the appropriate verb) by a guy who called himself the Tobacco Master. After exchanging pleasantries, the conversation went something like this:


Tobacco Master: So, have you guessed who I am yet?

Me: No

Tobacco Master: I am Waqar

Me: I don't know anyone called Waqar

Tobacco Master: What. You don't know your own father?


It turned out that his son, a student in Karachi, has a very similar email address to mine, and he'd got in touch with me by mistake.

Well, last week he was in touch again. It seems he's forgotten that I'm not his son. And he's forgotten how to speak English, so most of his words were in Urdu (I think) transliterated into the Roman alphabet. Rough translations in brackets.


Tobacco Master: Aur sona bacha [So, my beautiful child]

Me: Hello

Tobacco Master: Kaseh ho? [How are you?]

Me: Fine thanks. Do you remember me?

Tobacco Master: Vat u mean? Of course, betta [What do you mean? Of course, son]

Me: I am in London

Tobacco Master: London meh kya karre ho? [What are you doing in London?]

Me: I live in London

Tobacco Master: Huh? [Huh?]


Maybe I'm missing something. Is this some kind of Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker moment, and he's trying to lure me over to the dark side? If so, I wonder what it's like over there. Could be fun.

Slow off the mark

It took more than 24 hours before we received a CV from an ex-Lehman Brothers employee. Slackers.

Comic Strip

We had our first candidates for an admin role in our office this week. The very first interviewee was by far the most intriguing. Turns out she's a part time stand-up comedian and burlesque artist.

Alas, she didn't get the job, we went for a more sensible Polish option instead. Shame, would've been interesting.

More dumbing down

When my niece Tasha finished taking her GCSEs a couple of months ago, she claimed she did OK in five of them but really badly in the other five. Sure enough, this was reflected in her results:

5 A stars and 5 A's.

Dumbing down

I notice that the Asymmetric Bars have been re-named as Uneven Bars, presumably because asymmetric is too difficult to spell/understand.
Next to go will be the Parallel Bars - re-branded as 'Next-to-eachother Bars'.
Pommel Horse will become 'Brown block with handles on it.
And the Floor will become, um, the Floor.

What a load of tweddle.

European Union

I was on the District Line yesterday. Some Polish guys were milling about in the standing area. At the next stop a teacher got on with about a dozen children, on their way home from a school trip to the theatre. There weren't enough seats for all of them so the teacher offered some helpful advice: "Those of you who can't find a seat, make sure you hang onto a Pole".

Boo Hoo

I assume he's crying because one of his fellow competitors accidentally (or otherwise) shot him in the kneecap.

Nice try

When Radovan Karadzic went on the run in 1995, he decided to disguise himself as a recently deceased celebrity. He could have chosen Fred West, Peter Cook, Kenny Everett or Ginger Rogers, but eventually decided on Jerry Garcia, guitarist from the Grateful Dead. Good choice, methinks.

It's quite simple really

Billy Bowden has a good view of a disputed catch. He gives the batsman out and the batsman accepts this. But Billy decides he'd like to double-check with the third umpire. Fair enough.

Under current rules, the third umpire has to give it not out if there is any doubt. And there always is doubt when looking at TV replays of a low catch, so it's a pointless exercise.

This is where the law needs to change:

If the third umpire is certain that the on-field umpire was wrong he can overrule, otherwise the original decision stands.

Not Cricket

It's my turn in a game of "name the cricketers in London", and I'm struggling to think of my next move. Here's what we've had so far (yes, some of them are rather tenuous, but never mind):

Gordon Greenwich
Jack Russell (Square)
Phil Tufnell (Park)
Shane Bond (Street)
Mark Eal(ing)ham(mersmith)
Craig White (City)
Reon King(s Cross)
Chris Old (Street)
Graham Goodge (Street)
Nick Knight(sbridge)
Warren (Street) Hegg
(St) Kevin James('s Park)
Dominic Ostler(ley)
Stuart/Chris Broad(gate Circus)
Jon Lewis(ham)
David Lloyd(s of London)
Danish Kaneria (Wharf)
Allan Lamb(eth)
(St) John('s Wood) Emburey
Imran Khan(cery Lane)
Ken(sington) Barrington
Vic(toria) Marks
Paul Colliers Wood
(Hampstead) Heath Streak
Bruce French (Embassy)
Alan Knott(ing Hill)
David Shepherd(s Bush)
Robin Smith(field's Market)
(Big) Ben Hollioake
Ian Blackwell (Tunnel)
Bill (Westminster) Athey
Rod (Hackney) Marsh
Ian Bow tham
Steve (Imperial) Waugh (Museum)

I'm thinking Desmond Haynes(ault) and Neil (Cock)Foster(s). Hmmm.

Pub Vince

I am pleased to say that Pub Vince is alive and well. And he's still sitting on the same stool as he was 15 years ago.


He also gave news of the other New Inn regulars:

Andy the landlord: "Ah, Mister Bean. He went bankrupt"

Robin: "Heart attack Robin? He's dead. House burnt down."

Andy's wife: "Having the affair with Robin really opened her eyes. She'd moved onto another bloke by then."

Andy's girlfriend: "No idea what happened to her. We used to call her Amber, on account of the colour of her teeth."

Mick: "He's bald now, you wouldn't recognise him"

Gordon the barman: "We all moved to the Oak after it all kicked off. We took Gordon with us."

Pete Lambert: "He's moved to Cyprus. Phoned me up pissed out of his mind, he's just an alcoholic like the rest of his family"

What do these artists have in common?

Leonard Cohen
FPI Project
DJ Rodriguez
Snog
Superchumbo
Genesis
Jennifer Warnes
REM
Xscape
Ini Kamoze
Daft Punk
Nichole Nordeman
Joe Cocker
Darren Hayes
matt pond PA
Rahsaan Patterson
The Sounds of Blackness
Madonna
Labi Siffre
Teresa Jennings
Fascinators
Iron Butterfly
Anton Bruhin & Various Trümpi Artists
Hybrid
Storyteller
Kulas
Alex Lauterstein
4 Friends (Bryan Miller, Brenda Silas Moore, Wayne Moore, & Gilmore Rizzo)
Bubba Sparxxx
Spide
Ross Irwin Big Band
DDJ Bass
iNXS
Paul Spicer/Finzi Singers
Winifred Atwell
Westar Music
Para Para ft.Jo
Cleo Laine
Catherine Bott, Joseph Cornwell and The Parley of Instruments
John McCutcheon
Cue
Chad & Jeremy
Lowry Olafson
Tore W.Aas
Elias Rahbani
Tyrell Corp
Honesty 69
Various Artists
Siobhán Forde
Sergey Krivobokov: Moscow Symphony Orchestra, Moscow Capella, Moscow Youth Chorus
Ellena Alekseyeva: Moscow Symphony Orchestra
Andy Shaw Band


I've just bought a new toy - a USB cassette deck to convert my old tapes to mp3 format. It's quite clever, it even attempts to identify your music automatically; it tends to be quite good at guessing, correctly identifying relatively obscure artists such as Robert Ward and Adrian Legg.

Occasionally, however, it gets a bit confused - above is a list of suggestions for Richard Thompson's album 'Rumor and Sigh'.

I must go and buy something by Anton Bruhin & Various Trümpi Artists now.

Allez les Bleus

Not sure if this is genuinely the French team bus but I hope so.

I am Kara Crane, but only at the weekends

I have donned a little black dress for the cover of my debut album.