Future US President

She'll teach the US Americans to help South Africaaaah and The Iraq and everywhere like such as.

Angry letters (9)

I've just found an article from 1985 by the Times crossword compiler, in which he lists some of his favourite clues. See how many you can get - special prize to anyone who can get the last one.

**Updated - hover mouse over clue for answer**

1. Chips come in after fish (9)
2. Art Master (8)
3. Riding into the sunset magnificently mounted in Avon county (6-5-4)
4. 1,200 minus 200 (10)
5. Swiss canton where German is spoken? (4)
6. Bird calls? (6,6)
7. Peel's creation, initially (6,9)
8. Damage by fire headquarters of Scottish Orthodox Church (6)
9. Dial 999 if upset - you might get him (5)
10. They hang from trees in the book of Jeremiah (6)

Apocalypse Now

Today I am wearing a jacket in August for the first time since records began.

Records have now begun.

Hot Stuff

Now you can watch live temperature fluctuations at the Gambit Research luxury offices. And the temperature at Heathrow is included for comparison.

This is what you get when you work with computery people, who bicker about the office temperature and then feel obliged to come up with a technical solution to back up their arguments. Still, I'm pretty certain it's more exciting than Big Brother.

http://www.gambitresearch.com/temperature-day.png

Three of a kind

I've had three visits from engineers in the last few days. All three serviced me adequately(!) but all three brought with them just the slightest hint of bizarreness.

The electricity man, who was due to arrive between 8am an 1pm, arrived at 7.30; surely an engineer/delivery man arriving half an hour before their given five-hour window is unprecedented in history.

The phone man didn't even enter my house. He gave me a device to plug into my phone socket, went back to his car and drove off. He returned 15 minutes later and asked for his device back, and the phone was magically working again.

The gas man found a pot of blue paint lying around and rather perplexingly decided to throw it everywhere, mostly all over his shirt. I would've asked him why but I was too busy laughing.

The Gambit Research Whine

The result of the Great Gambit Research Wine Tasting Challenge was never in doubt really. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

The teams were:

1) The Computer Geeks, consisting of...
(i) A small boy, who was more interested in the chocolate brownies than the wine.
(ii) An eccentric Scotsman, whose main contribution was to point out that a cork displays a negative poisson distribution. To demonstrate this, he squashed a brownie between his fingers, clearly illustrating that a brownie is something which doesn't display a negative poisson distribution.
(iii) A moon of Saturn, who dislikes wine, so his main strategy was that whichever wine he liked most must be the cheapest.

2) The Disciples of Copas : two ex-Warwick students who spent far too much time bickering over whether wine number 3 smelt a bit twee or a bit like wee.

3) The Classicists, one of whom organised the evening, had been to two similar wine tastings before, and used to work in the wine trade. Not fair.

Facebook shmacebook

I don't think I'm quite up to speed with the Facebook phenomenon which is supposedly sweeping the world. Any advice would be much appreciated.

1. I have a top friends friend request. What privileges , if any, do top friends friends get?

2. I have a Zombie request. Should I start biting chumps?

3. I have received a Shirley Temple (pink cocktail). Should I virtually drink it?

4. This is Tala. She wants to be my friend. Should I accept on the basis that it will make me look more popular? Or should I decline on the basis that I don't know who the hell she is. For all I know she could be a man, or a terrorist, or a politician. Or a male terrorist politician.

Homer says...

Words of wisdom from Homer Simpson:

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

"If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbecue and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"God bless those pagans."

Delhi Jelly

Graham Gooch was on the radio this morning explaining why Zaheer Khan was angrily waving his bat at Kevin Pietersen yesterday evening. Apparently it was because someone left some jelly babies by the stumps as Zaheer came in to bat and he took exception to this. Thanks Goochie, that clears it up.

Bowling a maiden over

E-mail sent to the TMS website a short while ago. I don't know why it made me laugh, but it did.

"I played against (England women's captain) Charlotte Edwards in an under-15 match about 10 years ago. She was playing for Ramsey. Someone bowled her a bouncer, it hit her straight in the breasts, and she cried her eyes out. Nice girl though."

Lightweight

Marc on the journey home last night. Youngsters these days just can't hold their drink.

Puffs

I do feel sorry for politicians sometimes. Whenever one of them admits to having smoked cannabis in the past they never seem to have got any pleasure out of it - they always say something like "It was only one or two puffs" or "I didn't inhale" or "I didn't really enjoy it". When will one of the poor sods admit that they took drugs because they liked it?

wot a lowd ov nonsuns

In the latest example of the strategy "if we lower the bar, more children can get over it", some woman called Masha Bell (presumably that was originally "Mashable" but she's simplified the spelling) claims that if we dumb down spelling it will improve literacy.
(Click here to see article)

She says:
"Worldwide, English spelling wastes zillions, not onely in terms of time and effort, but in real munny too: for remedial education and to suport functionally illiterate adults. The latter ar also mor likely to becum yung singl parents, end up in jail, be adicted tu drugs and alcohol and hav poor helth."

I find it rather ironic that she managed to spell "functionally illiterate adults" correctly.

Lucky escape

I felt the full force of the terror threat in London the other day, and I can tell you it wasn't a pleasant experience. As I entered Lancaster Gate tube station, there was a suspicious-looking character just inside the entrance. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small detonation device and placed his thumb on the button, poised to do the dirty deed. By this point I was rooted to the spot, too terrified to react. Fortunately a heroic member of LU staff leapt across the lobby with a combination of grace, speed and athleticism. He bravely thwarted the attempted atrocity by politely pointing out to the man that he would have to go outside if he wanted to smoke.

Allez allez allez!

To all the grumpy old cynical farts in East London, Le Tour's visit to Londres was a marvellous spectacle, worth every penny. Where else can a million people go and see a major sporting event for free in blazing sunshine on the streets of our fair capital city?

I look forward to the climb at le Côte de Farthing Common later today.

Round the bend

Several years after the introduction of bendy buses onto the streets of London, I'm still none the wiser as to the advantages of putting the second deck behind rather than on top of the first.

I got on a bendy 207 the other day and swiped my Oyster card on the reader. Immediately I felt rather foolish, as it appeared that it was a free bus for all the other passengers.

As the front of the bus reached the stop where I wanted to get off, the driver wasn't allowed to open the doors as he had to wait until the whole of the bus was at the stop. In order for this to be possible, the bendy bus in front would need to pull away. In order for this to be possible, the bus needed to take a line which would take it into the opposite lane, thus had to wait for a significant gap in the oncoming traffic. So, more than 5 minutes after reaching the bus stop, I was able to alight. Then I tried to cross the road but couldn't because there was a huge sodding bendy bus in the way.

I say bring on the much-maligned Ealing tram, it's got to be an improvement.

Reasons to be cheerful

Just been listening to some CDs and I've decided that the greatest lyrical genius of the 20th century wasn't Dylan or Gershwin or Half Man Half Biscuit, it was clearly Ian Dury. And the music's dead funky too.
_________________________________________

"Van Gogh did some eyeball pleasers.
He must have been a pencil squeezer.
He didn't do the Mona Lisa,
That was an Italian geezer.

Einstein can't be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splittingness,
Frighten everybody shitless.

There ain't 'alf been some clever bastards (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)"
_________________________________________

"Sex and drugs and rock and roll is very good indeed"
_________________________________________

"Just cos I ain't never 'ad no nothing worth 'aving never ever never... ever.
You ain't got no call not to think I wouldn't fall into thinking that I ain't too... clever.
And it ain't not 'aving one thing nor not another either neither is it anythink... whatever.
And it's not not knowing that there ain't nothing showing and I answer to the name of Trevor... however,
Knock me down with a feather, clever Trevor"
_________________________________________

"40 year old housewife Mrs Elizabeth Walker of Lambeth Walk,
Had a husband who was jubblified with only half a stalk,
So she had a milk of magnesia and curry powder sandwich and half a pound of uncut pork,
Took an overdose of Omo, this made the neighbours talk"

Let's all shout at nutters II

Keith Allen was the latest British journalist to lose his rag in the face of religious fundamentalism, when he interviewed the Westboro Baptist Church.

Q: When you engage in that despicable act...
A: You're just chicken shit
Q: Why don't you jump in the graves with the dead soldiers and cut their heads off and shit in their faces?
A: I may do that some day

Next documentary, coming soon : "Gordon Ramsay meets the Taleban" (in which Gordon blows his top when they refuse to eat his pork cider casserole).

Complete bollards

Picture taken by my niece Tasha at her school the other day.

Balloon monkey darts

Just what the internet was crying out for - a balloon-popping darts monkey game. Click on the monkey..