Allez les Bleus

Not sure if this is genuinely the French team bus but I hope so.

I am Kara Crane, but only at the weekends

I have donned a little black dress for the cover of my debut album.

Tube of not very smarties

Admittedly the tube booze ban was an ill-thought out, knee-jerk reaction to a problem which doesn't really exist.

But what's the best way to organise a protest? How can we best demonstrate the fact that drinking on the tube doesn't cause disruption? I know, let's all have a big piss-up and cause as much disruption as possible. Genius.

Declining standards

The first company outing after I started working here was a trip to the North of France for lunch, by private plane.

The next was a trip to Southend for lunch, by minibus.

Last week we went to Hanger Lane for lunch, by tube.

Is this a sign that the credit crunch is kicking in?

Women and football

Some women have been on a radio phone-in talking about their lack of interest in tonight's football. Well there's some sense in the last one anyway.


"Why are all the fans travelling all the way to Russia, just think of the carbon footprint. Why can't they play it over here?"

"It's very sad that so many men worship football instead of God"

"No, I won't be watching it, I'll be doing some housework then I'll watch Desperate Housewives"

"Tonight I'm going to the park to have a picnic"

"I find football pretty boring, I much prefer watching cricket"

Blast from the past

Non-sense

The tube was broken yesterday so I got on a bus. It was one of those new buses which has a voice over the loudspeaker calling out the name of the next stop.

Some youngsters in baseball caps and sunglasses (despite the fact that it was after dark) were sat near me:

"Dat voice is really annoying, what's going on?"

"It's for the deaf people, innit."

Computer Virus

I think I'm allergic to the office. I keep getting ill far more often than I ever used to before I worked here. There are several possible factors causing my body to react negatively. My guess is f.

a) Being surrounded by lots of hairy blokes talking about Python and Erlang.
b) Lingering smell of last week's Chinese food in the office
c) Temperamental air-conditioning system
d) Festering keg of home-brew bitter sitting in the corner
e) Greasy lunches at the Irish pub
f) All of the above

Ya Mo Be There

From time to time I have some Isley Brothers tunes on my mp3 player. Bizarrely, whenever their cover version of the Doobie Brothers' song "Listen to the Music" comes on, I happen to be walking past the Michael McDonald lookalike who works at Chiswick Park station. Coincidence or what?

The original Barmy Army

Good to see the mighty Aldershot promoted back to the football league for next season, 16 years after they went bankrupt.

Whereas most deluded football fans make ludicrous claims such as "We're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen", I remember a chant from the Aldershot fans which was far more realistic:

"We're the pride of North Hampshire"

Eat that, Farnborough and Basingstoke.

The politics of pop

Who says pop music and politics don't mix? Perhaps Madonna should be running for mayor.


Madonna: "I would make it so that musicians - young musicians, aspiring musicians - wouldn't have to pay the London congestion charge. Or pay taxes. They would be exempt from those things; so they have more money for other things".

Girls Aloud's Cheryl Cole: "There should be adverts in the breaks during Coronation Street spelling it out in bullet points: this is what the Conservatives stand for, this is what Labour stands for".

Girls Aloud's Nicola Roberts: "I know there are programmes on late at night, aren't there, when they have like debates and stuff. But young people are not going to sit there and choose to watch them. It's boring."

Eric Clapton: "Vote for Enoch Powell... I think Enoch's right, I think we should send them all back. Stop Britain from becoming a black colony. Get the foreigners out. Get the wogs out. Get the coons out. Keep Britain white."

Geri Halliwell: "Margaret Thatcher was the first Spice Girl, the pioneer of our ideology."

George Michael: "I am definitely not anti-American. How could I be? I have been in love with a Texan [Kenny Goss] for six years and we are still going strong. My feelings about George Bush, however, are a little different. And I know I'm not alone in fearing his politics."

Snoop Dogg: "The KKK gave Obama money... They was one of his biggest supporters... The media won't tell you that. They don't want you to know that. They just want you to know that this nigger befriended this other nigger who be threatening your values. But we all know all presidents lie to get into fucking office. That's they job."

Members of Blue speaking in interview in the aftermath of 9/11...
Lee: "What about whales? They are ignoring animals that are more important. Animals need saving and that's more important. This New York thing is being blown out of proportion."
Simon: "Shut up Lee".
Lee: "Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed".
Duncan: "Shut up".
Lee: "I'm not afraid to say this, it has to be said and that's why I'm the outspoken one from the band".

And a last few snaps

Blyde River Canyon



Cape Town from the Table Mountain cable car. Fortunately there wasn't a power cut while we were up there.



Sharing a drink with the locals in Langa Township.



Nelson Mandela's cell on Robben island. Not dissimilar to some of the accommodation we stayed in.



Dumbo and his mother.



A yawning hippo. Almost as big as Marc's mouth.



Rhinos have very poor eyesight so our instructions were, if they come towards us, just stand still and they might not notice us. Easier said than done perhaps.





A wounded lioness. In the first picture you can see some porcupine spines in her stomach. Aaaah.



And finally, my attempt at some moving pictures. Move over Scorcese.

Some other ridiculous activities

Riding on the back of a big thick ostrich.



A big Irish lump riding an unsurprisingly reluctant horse.



Kayaking - not so ridiculous in itself, until you capsize and find yourself wading through thigh-high mud, losing your sandals in the process (the second of three pairs of footwear lost or discarded by me during the holiday).



Swinging from tree to tree in the Tsitsikamma forests.



Quad biking up a mountain towards the highest pub in Africa. This was the easy bit. The descent in a torrential hailstorm was a bit trickier.

I believe I can fly

Some quotes from South Africa

"It's good to wind up the racist Afrikaners"

"Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and a honey badger?"

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'm bored now, let's move on"

"What's that animal on the road ahead?"
"It's a zebra crossing"

"There was a monkey watching me in the shower"

"I'm jealous of you guys, you've done more in five days than I have in 4 weeks"

"Make sure you wear a bulletproof vest"

"I used to be a missionary, but now I just fool around with my bushbaby"

"It's tursday the tirteent of the turd today"

"How much meat is there in the oysters?"

"Oh no, I've run out of underwear, I might have to go kamikaze tomorrow"

"The man in the hat was circumcised yesterday"

"What time is it?"
"Beer o'clock"

Dish of the day

Some culinary highlights from the last three weeks. Difficult to be accurate, but I think I did at least 18 types of meat and 10 types of seafood.


- Pretoria: Flaming hot Mozambican beef

- Blyde River Canyon: Seafood salad (crab, prawn, squid) followed by roast pork

- Oliphant's, Kruger Park: Kudu and steenbok biltong

- Lower Sabie, Kruger Park: Chicken & lamb braai

- Shewula, Swaziland: Leftover braai meat for breakfast

- Sondzela, Swaziland: Peanut chicken with squash and cabbage

- St Lucia: Crocodile curry

- Durban: Tuna sashimi followed by springbok steak

- Sani Pass: Chicken, beef and corn-on-the-cob braai

- Port Elizabeth: Fish chowder followed by fillet steak pizzaiola

- Jeffrey's Bay: Mutton bunny chow

- Tsitsikamma: Seafood medley (mussels, kingclip, oysters, squid, prawns)

- Knysna: Venison carpaccio followed by crayfish salad

- Wilderness: Warthog carpaccio followed by ostrich steak

- Oudtshoorn: Caviar pancakes followed by quails

- Stellenbosch: Peri-peri chicken liver, snails and dorado fillet

- Franschhoek: Braised rabbit

- Cape Town: Smoked kudu followed by wildebeest steak with foie gras

- Cape Town: King prawns followed by eland and impala

- Cape Town: Tandoori mushroom followed by lamb karahi

- Cape Town: Farewell braai - ostrich, beef and chicken

- Cape Town: Leftover ostrich with blue cheese and port for brunch


Right, I'm cooking something vegetarian tonight.

That must've been a good night

Just found an old Sainsbury's receipt from last summer. Gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Pinot Grigio x 2
Castillo de Calatra x 2
Chalky's Bite x 2
Old Bob
Bombardier
Bishop's Finger
Fiddler's Elbow
Bombardier Gold
Merrydown Cider
Erdinger Weißbier
White Wych
Hen's Tooth

Oh, and some Kettle Chips to line the stomach. Would've been foolish otherwise.

Missed opportunity

I spoke to a woman called Barbara at the travel clinic for advice on vaccinations and malaria tablets. I couldn't help thinking that the place should really have been called "Babs' Jabs and Tabs"

Congratulations

Congratulations to Mark and Reena for getting engaged (to each other I presume). Shame Mark can't spell engaged though.

Trainspotting is just so previous

I spotted an anoraked man with clipboard taking pictures of cranes and JCBs on a building site this morning. Was he a cranespotter?