Big up the Peach

There was some English sporting success over the weekend, which seems to have passed most people by. Daryl Peach won the World 9-ball championship in Manila, the first Briton ever to do so.

I look forward to seeing his open-top bus parade when he returns home.

A day in the other office

Last week I spent a day in the traders' office rather than the usual geeks' office. It was no less perplexing, though extremely entertaining. Most conversations were something like the following:

字意字漢字かん字形漢한漢字形字意字じ漢字
意じHahahaha Robbie Keane hahahahaha 形形じ漢字形じ漢字
会象形字か字漢字漢象形한じ形字漢意字じ漢字
意会意字 Muthafaakaah 象形字字かん象字漢じ漢字
字象形漢字한자かじ漢象字字한漢한字象한じ漢象形漢意
字漢形漢한字象象字意Yayaya Spartak Moscow penalty形字漢字
字会意象形字한자んじ漢字字漢字形意字じ漢字
會Aaah shit, lost ten thousand dollaah 意字字字한象じ漢字
意字会字象漢字かじ字形漢한漢한象形한じ字字


[NB The Chinese characters above are intended to represent generic Cantonese chit-chat. Any offence caused by their actual meaning is purely coincidental/serendipitous.]

They don't make cricketers like they used to

Well done to the caption writer on the BBC website ...


"Gatting's new role is wide-reaching"

Vagrant of the day

Without wishing to give the impression that I'm spending all my time carousing with London's homeless community, I've just met an entertaining fellow on Turnham Green. Some of his words of wisdom:

"Today's not yesterday, and yesterday's not today, that's all you need to know"

"So I said to him, excuse me sir, can I marry your daughters."

"I have a short memory. It's good to have a short memory, 'cos that means you never forget"


I think I impressed him - he said to me: "I like you, you're a sarcastic bastard."

Most surprising response ever

Whilst wandering in the West End, I was passing an old sozzled, dishevelled tramp in a doorway. He was approached by a younger but equally sozzled and dishevelled colleague:

"Where's the nearest off licence mate?"
"Dunno mate"

Mind the Gap

So Gap have announced that they will destroy the clothes that were made for them in sweatshops in India. Precisely what does this achieve? Surely it would be more sensible to either donate the clothes to the needy children and their families, or to sell them as normal and then donate the profits accordingly.

I do wonder how many of the people who jumped onto the morality bandwagon, demanding the destruction of the clothes, are the same people who like to jump on the 'we should recycle more' bandwagon.

Incidentally, what is a bandwagon, and why do people like to jump onto it?

Bad day to bury bad news

There's no news today. I've just been listening to a radio phone-in show and these were the main issues:

- People will be discouraged from driving to the 2012 Olympics. No shit.

- Crack cocaine use may be more widespread than official statistics suggest. No shit.

- Supermarkets use too much packaging. Some are worse than others. No shit.

- The announcement of civil service job cuts leads to disgruntlement from staff. No shit.

- If Spurs continue to lose, Martin Jol's job may come under scrutiny. No shit.

- Didier Drogba claims he is happy at the club that pays him large amounts of money. No shit.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Mr Miserable - listen to 'Down the Line' instead.
Fortunately, he hates it when people agree with him.

Another day at the office

Some conversations I've overheard in the office recently. I can't decide whether it's way over my head or way beneath me. It's certainly not on my level.


- "It's all because of the magic white smoke in the CPU"
- "It's blue smoke, you heathen"


- "Is it a chemistry experiment?"
- "It's called a home-brew kit for a reason"
- "Oh"
(3 differing reactions from people in neighbouring offices to our office beer-making attempts)


"Using the arrow keys in vim insert mode is heresy"


"I got 19% in my networking exam"
(from our network administrator)


- "Can you take a look at this CV and give a rating between 0 and 10"
- "e"
- "OK, give me an integer between 0 and 10"
- "You haven't specified the base"
- "Fuck off"


"Oops, the hedge fund I used to work for just lost £80 million"


"I can't sit there, I don't like sunlight"


"What's Physics Dave's name?"


"Jasper's just not a functional or pictorial programmer, but he could be a decent programmer if he didn't hate it so much"


- "Is the number of elementary particles in the universe finite?"
- "Yes"
- "Do you want to bet a Mars bar on that?"

Blind Peter

I met a lovely couple on the bus last night. She was a shouty old hag, he was a blind paedophile. That's what she kept telling anyone who would listen anyway. Which was everyone, whether they liked it or not.

Or maybe she was saying "this is blind Peter File", it's difficult to say really.

Bible fight

www.adultswim.com/games/biblefight/

If you want to be Jesus, you can vent some frustration from that whole "being crucified" thing by smashing your opponents with your old rugged cross.

If you prefer to be Satan though, you can morph into a monstrous three-headed dog and charge across the screen at your enemy.

I found Satan to be more effective. What does that tell you?

Too tense for me

I received the following text message from somebody called "789" recently:

"Starting soon, we thought we'd text you when your Virgin Mobile balance is £2. That way, you'll never get caught short again!"

I may just be wearing my pedant's hat**, but isn't the first sentence just an aimless meander back and forth between tenses? It basically says: "In the future, we did something in the past when something presently happens".

My mobile phone usage has steadily increased over the last couple of years, to the extent that I'm spending more than a pound a month these days. But, if this is how I should be wording my texts, it appears that I have a long way to go before I can truly claim to be part of the mobile phone generation.

**or should that be pedants' hat, I ask in my pedant's voice. Or should that be pedants' voice?

It's a man's game

"Ooh, that nasty Scottish man just tapped me on the chin. I know, I'll run after him and give him what for. Actually no, on second thoughts, I'm a professional footballer so I'll fall over like a big nancy-boy."

103% fruitcake

I've just stumbled upon a random blog by a religious mathematics student. He claims:

"What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer this question:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D = 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!"

So there you go, proof if proof be need be.
What he fails to mention, however, is that B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

Global yawning

You can argue all you like about whether human carbon emissions are responsible for global warming, or whether it is down to solar radiation, animal flatulence, cyclical fluctuations or God.

You can argue all you like about whether a 2°C rise in temperature would cause a large number of heat-related deaths or whether this would be offset by the global decrease in cold-related deaths.

You can argue all you like about whether it is better to spend billions on making a small reduction in carbon emissions or whether this money would be better spent on providing agriculture, manufacturing, healthcare and education in the areas that are most affected.

But I'm not going to; I'm going to have a snooze instead.

I am Butt-Ugly Elmer Hacke

Arrh! Shiver me timbers, I forgot to talk like a pirate yesterday.

You can find out your pirate name by clicking here.

Foot in mouth

I think I may have offended our Ukrainian cleaning lady yesterday. After accidentally betting on a two-or-more goal victory for AS Roma in their Champions League match against Dinamo Kiev, I was discussing the match. Just as the cleaner walked in, I remarked that "the Ukrainians are rubbish". She gave me an icy glare rather than her usual cheery smile.

I was right though, Roma won 2-0.

Strolling bones

I was walking home along the canal towpath at a moderate to brisk pace, when I approached an elderly jogger. Was it rude of me to overtake him?

This one goes up to 31

I realised recently that the volume on my mp3 player goes up to 31.

Eat that, Tufnel!

Muso musings

About 9 months ago I started trawling through my old cassette collection and I have now finally completed the quest. Unsurprisingly the results are good, bad, ugly and downright embarrassing in fairly equal measures.
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Forgotten Classics

Most interesting stuff that I'd forgotten I owned.

1) Richard Thompson - Rumour and Sigh.

Quirky and humorous with stylish guitar-playing. "I feel so good I'm gonna break somebody's heart tonight"

2) Bobby McFerrin - Simple Pleasures.

Marvellous solo a capella vocalism. "Don't worry, be happy", he says. I couldn't agree more.

3) Spinal Tap - Break Like the Wind.

Far better than the bands they were parodying. The only shame is that the album doesn't include Nigel Tufnel's classical piano ballad "Lick my Love Pump"

4) Dirty Dozen Brass Band - Voodoo

The clue is in the name. They're a brass band, there are about twelve of them, and they play dirty old jazz and blues classics.

5) Terence Trent Darby - Neither Fish Nor Flesh.

Intriguing rather than particularly good, this was a surprisingly bleak, uncommercial follow-up to his hugely successful debut album. "Billy my friend, don't fall in love with me, I'm not that kind of guy"

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White-man blues

The popular myth is that white men can't play the blues. This is clearly untrue.

1) Stevie Ray Vaughan

Shortly after his fatal helicopter crash in 1990, I seem to remember a stand-up comedian putting it quite nicely : "Proof that God doesn't exist. Stevie Ray Vaughan is dead, yet Jon Bon Jovi lives"

2) Bobby Radcliff

I know very little about this guy except that he can produce some marvellously frenetic guitar pyrotechnics.

3) John Campbell

One-eyed growly-voiced Michael Bolton lookalike. But fortunately not soundalike.

4) Johnny Winter

His albinism makes him the whitest of all white blues men. Unless you count the head-to-toe tattoos.

5) The Allman Brothers Band

Rollicking Southern blues-rock that had me dancing around like a cretin. Includes "Jessica" (the Top Gear music). Hope I'm not turning into Clarkson.

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Stand-out tracks on otherwise mediocre abums

1) Good Morning Britain - Aztec Camera.

Cracking upbeat collaboration between Roddy Frame and ex-Clash frontman Mick Jones.

2) Norwegian Wood - Cornershop.

Hindi version of the Beatles song. ("Hai na ye achi, Norwegian Lakri")

3) Temptation - Wet Wet Wet.

Don't laugh. I'm not too proud to admit that I like this song. Oh, music can be an irrational beast.

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Drivel

1) Level 42 - Staring at the Sun

Mark King's high-chested pop-slap-bass can't disguise the fact that this is just dreary, monotonous rubbish.

2) The Animals

Nothing wrong the Animals, they wrote some classics in the late 60s. But I think this is a live album by a re-formed version of the group, and they sound like an eighties pub rock band doing bad covers of old Animals songs.

3) Dianne Reeves - Never Too Far

This starts promisingly with a lively jazzy tune, but quickly descends into soggy Whitney Houston-esque mush. The only positive is that it still had a price label on it, and it only cost me ten bob.

4) Billy Joel - Storm Front

Tripe.

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