Gig Review

White Lies - Competent indie jangly stuff, but I felt like I'd seen dozens of similar bands over the years.

Ladyhawke - Nice enjoyable retro-pop, she seemed to be having fun with her cheesy 80s synthesiser and pyromanic lyrics.

Ida Maria - Probably the highlight - A potty Norwegian woman with a great hat. Wicked! (I think that's the word the kids use these days).

Iglu & Hartly - Mediocre Chilli-Pepper wannabes, but decent energy nonetheless.

The Rifles - Started promisingly with a nice melody, but went downhill once they started singing. A bit dull thereafter.

Kaiser Chiefs - Cracking stuff. One of those strange bands that I don't really like but I like most of their songs. A bit like the Beatles I suppose. Their prediction of a riot was unfounded.

The busker on the way there - Rubbish. He thought he was Jimi Hendrix, in fact he was actually not quite as good as Jimmy Nail.

Magic Circle

Question: Which Knight invented the Round Table?

Answer: Sir Cumference.

Ebay should have a breathalyser

About 18 years ago I bought a guitar off my mate Andy. A few years later I sold it back to Andy, and he has since sold it on. It was a Les Paul copy, nothing special, but a nice little guitar nonetheless, and whilst we were having a few pints the other day, we both lamented the fact that we'd sold it.

When I got home there was a documentary on the telly about Neil Young, in which he was playing a Les Paul, making an extraordinary noise, and I decided that I must have one. So I went onto ebay and made a bid for the guitar below, which turned out to be successful. Quite expensive for something that'll just sit in the corner gathering dust.



Incidentally, the documentary contained a fine piece of journalism, a clip from a CNN interview with Neil Young. The first question was:

"There's a song on your album called Let's impeach the President. What's that about?"

Oops, my mistake

When they told me I should be stuffing my face for a month in order to fulfil spiritual enlightenment, I was somewhat surprised. Spiritual enlightenment is not something I've been particularly seeking, but I thought I'd give it a go anyway, so I diligently followed instructions at every opportunity.

Then I realised they'd actually said I should be fasting, not feasting.

Tobacco Master is back

A couple of years ago I was messenged (I assume that's the appropriate verb) by a guy who called himself the Tobacco Master. After exchanging pleasantries, the conversation went something like this:


Tobacco Master: So, have you guessed who I am yet?

Me: No

Tobacco Master: I am Waqar

Me: I don't know anyone called Waqar

Tobacco Master: What. You don't know your own father?


It turned out that his son, a student in Karachi, has a very similar email address to mine, and he'd got in touch with me by mistake.

Well, last week he was in touch again. It seems he's forgotten that I'm not his son. And he's forgotten how to speak English, so most of his words were in Urdu (I think) transliterated into the Roman alphabet. Rough translations in brackets.


Tobacco Master: Aur sona bacha [So, my beautiful child]

Me: Hello

Tobacco Master: Kaseh ho? [How are you?]

Me: Fine thanks. Do you remember me?

Tobacco Master: Vat u mean? Of course, betta [What do you mean? Of course, son]

Me: I am in London

Tobacco Master: London meh kya karre ho? [What are you doing in London?]

Me: I live in London

Tobacco Master: Huh? [Huh?]


Maybe I'm missing something. Is this some kind of Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker moment, and he's trying to lure me over to the dark side? If so, I wonder what it's like over there. Could be fun.

Slow off the mark

It took more than 24 hours before we received a CV from an ex-Lehman Brothers employee. Slackers.

Comic Strip

We had our first candidates for an admin role in our office this week. The very first interviewee was by far the most intriguing. Turns out she's a part time stand-up comedian and burlesque artist.

Alas, she didn't get the job, we went for a more sensible Polish option instead. Shame, would've been interesting.

More dumbing down

When my niece Tasha finished taking her GCSEs a couple of months ago, she claimed she did OK in five of them but really badly in the other five. Sure enough, this was reflected in her results:

5 A stars and 5 A's.

Dumbing down

I notice that the Asymmetric Bars have been re-named as Uneven Bars, presumably because asymmetric is too difficult to spell/understand.
Next to go will be the Parallel Bars - re-branded as 'Next-to-eachother Bars'.
Pommel Horse will become 'Brown block with handles on it.
And the Floor will become, um, the Floor.

What a load of tweddle.

European Union

I was on the District Line yesterday. Some Polish guys were milling about in the standing area. At the next stop a teacher got on with about a dozen children, on their way home from a school trip to the theatre. There weren't enough seats for all of them so the teacher offered some helpful advice: "Those of you who can't find a seat, make sure you hang onto a Pole".

Boo Hoo

I assume he's crying because one of his fellow competitors accidentally (or otherwise) shot him in the kneecap.

Nice try

When Radovan Karadzic went on the run in 1995, he decided to disguise himself as a recently deceased celebrity. He could have chosen Fred West, Peter Cook, Kenny Everett or Ginger Rogers, but eventually decided on Jerry Garcia, guitarist from the Grateful Dead. Good choice, methinks.

It's quite simple really

Billy Bowden has a good view of a disputed catch. He gives the batsman out and the batsman accepts this. But Billy decides he'd like to double-check with the third umpire. Fair enough.

Under current rules, the third umpire has to give it not out if there is any doubt. And there always is doubt when looking at TV replays of a low catch, so it's a pointless exercise.

This is where the law needs to change:

If the third umpire is certain that the on-field umpire was wrong he can overrule, otherwise the original decision stands.

Not Cricket

It's my turn in a game of "name the cricketers in London", and I'm struggling to think of my next move. Here's what we've had so far (yes, some of them are rather tenuous, but never mind):

Gordon Greenwich
Jack Russell (Square)
Phil Tufnell (Park)
Shane Bond (Street)
Mark Eal(ing)ham(mersmith)
Craig White (City)
Reon King(s Cross)
Chris Old (Street)
Graham Goodge (Street)
Nick Knight(sbridge)
Warren (Street) Hegg
(St) Kevin James('s Park)
Dominic Ostler(ley)
Stuart/Chris Broad(gate Circus)
Jon Lewis(ham)
David Lloyd(s of London)
Danish Kaneria (Wharf)
Allan Lamb(eth)
(St) John('s Wood) Emburey
Imran Khan(cery Lane)
Ken(sington) Barrington
Vic(toria) Marks
Paul Colliers Wood
(Hampstead) Heath Streak
Bruce French (Embassy)
Alan Knott(ing Hill)
David Shepherd(s Bush)
Robin Smith(field's Market)
(Big) Ben Hollioake
Ian Blackwell (Tunnel)
Bill (Westminster) Athey
Rod (Hackney) Marsh
Ian Bow tham
Steve (Imperial) Waugh (Museum)

I'm thinking Desmond Haynes(ault) and Neil (Cock)Foster(s). Hmmm.

Pub Vince

I am pleased to say that Pub Vince is alive and well. And he's still sitting on the same stool as he was 15 years ago.


He also gave news of the other New Inn regulars:

Andy the landlord: "Ah, Mister Bean. He went bankrupt"

Robin: "Heart attack Robin? He's dead. House burnt down."

Andy's wife: "Having the affair with Robin really opened her eyes. She'd moved onto another bloke by then."

Andy's girlfriend: "No idea what happened to her. We used to call her Amber, on account of the colour of her teeth."

Mick: "He's bald now, you wouldn't recognise him"

Gordon the barman: "We all moved to the Oak after it all kicked off. We took Gordon with us."

Pete Lambert: "He's moved to Cyprus. Phoned me up pissed out of his mind, he's just an alcoholic like the rest of his family"

What do these artists have in common?

Leonard Cohen
FPI Project
DJ Rodriguez
Snog
Superchumbo
Genesis
Jennifer Warnes
REM
Xscape
Ini Kamoze
Daft Punk
Nichole Nordeman
Joe Cocker
Darren Hayes
matt pond PA
Rahsaan Patterson
The Sounds of Blackness
Madonna
Labi Siffre
Teresa Jennings
Fascinators
Iron Butterfly
Anton Bruhin & Various Trümpi Artists
Hybrid
Storyteller
Kulas
Alex Lauterstein
4 Friends (Bryan Miller, Brenda Silas Moore, Wayne Moore, & Gilmore Rizzo)
Bubba Sparxxx
Spide
Ross Irwin Big Band
DDJ Bass
iNXS
Paul Spicer/Finzi Singers
Winifred Atwell
Westar Music
Para Para ft.Jo
Cleo Laine
Catherine Bott, Joseph Cornwell and The Parley of Instruments
John McCutcheon
Cue
Chad & Jeremy
Lowry Olafson
Tore W.Aas
Elias Rahbani
Tyrell Corp
Honesty 69
Various Artists
Siobhán Forde
Sergey Krivobokov: Moscow Symphony Orchestra, Moscow Capella, Moscow Youth Chorus
Ellena Alekseyeva: Moscow Symphony Orchestra
Andy Shaw Band


I've just bought a new toy - a USB cassette deck to convert my old tapes to mp3 format. It's quite clever, it even attempts to identify your music automatically; it tends to be quite good at guessing, correctly identifying relatively obscure artists such as Robert Ward and Adrian Legg.

Occasionally, however, it gets a bit confused - above is a list of suggestions for Richard Thompson's album 'Rumor and Sigh'.

I must go and buy something by Anton Bruhin & Various Trümpi Artists now.

Allez les Bleus

Not sure if this is genuinely the French team bus but I hope so.

I am Kara Crane, but only at the weekends

I have donned a little black dress for the cover of my debut album.

Tube of not very smarties

Admittedly the tube booze ban was an ill-thought out, knee-jerk reaction to a problem which doesn't really exist.

But what's the best way to organise a protest? How can we best demonstrate the fact that drinking on the tube doesn't cause disruption? I know, let's all have a big piss-up and cause as much disruption as possible. Genius.

Declining standards

The first company outing after I started working here was a trip to the North of France for lunch, by private plane.

The next was a trip to Southend for lunch, by minibus.

Last week we went to Hanger Lane for lunch, by tube.

Is this a sign that the credit crunch is kicking in?

Women and football

Some women have been on a radio phone-in talking about their lack of interest in tonight's football. Well there's some sense in the last one anyway.


"Why are all the fans travelling all the way to Russia, just think of the carbon footprint. Why can't they play it over here?"

"It's very sad that so many men worship football instead of God"

"No, I won't be watching it, I'll be doing some housework then I'll watch Desperate Housewives"

"Tonight I'm going to the park to have a picnic"

"I find football pretty boring, I much prefer watching cricket"

Blast from the past

Non-sense

The tube was broken yesterday so I got on a bus. It was one of those new buses which has a voice over the loudspeaker calling out the name of the next stop.

Some youngsters in baseball caps and sunglasses (despite the fact that it was after dark) were sat near me:

"Dat voice is really annoying, what's going on?"

"It's for the deaf people, innit."

Computer Virus

I think I'm allergic to the office. I keep getting ill far more often than I ever used to before I worked here. There are several possible factors causing my body to react negatively. My guess is f.

a) Being surrounded by lots of hairy blokes talking about Python and Erlang.
b) Lingering smell of last week's Chinese food in the office
c) Temperamental air-conditioning system
d) Festering keg of home-brew bitter sitting in the corner
e) Greasy lunches at the Irish pub
f) All of the above

Ya Mo Be There

From time to time I have some Isley Brothers tunes on my mp3 player. Bizarrely, whenever their cover version of the Doobie Brothers' song "Listen to the Music" comes on, I happen to be walking past the Michael McDonald lookalike who works at Chiswick Park station. Coincidence or what?

The original Barmy Army

Good to see the mighty Aldershot promoted back to the football league for next season, 16 years after they went bankrupt.

Whereas most deluded football fans make ludicrous claims such as "We're by far the greatest team the world has ever seen", I remember a chant from the Aldershot fans which was far more realistic:

"We're the pride of North Hampshire"

Eat that, Farnborough and Basingstoke.

The politics of pop

Who says pop music and politics don't mix? Perhaps Madonna should be running for mayor.


Madonna: "I would make it so that musicians - young musicians, aspiring musicians - wouldn't have to pay the London congestion charge. Or pay taxes. They would be exempt from those things; so they have more money for other things".

Girls Aloud's Cheryl Cole: "There should be adverts in the breaks during Coronation Street spelling it out in bullet points: this is what the Conservatives stand for, this is what Labour stands for".

Girls Aloud's Nicola Roberts: "I know there are programmes on late at night, aren't there, when they have like debates and stuff. But young people are not going to sit there and choose to watch them. It's boring."

Eric Clapton: "Vote for Enoch Powell... I think Enoch's right, I think we should send them all back. Stop Britain from becoming a black colony. Get the foreigners out. Get the wogs out. Get the coons out. Keep Britain white."

Geri Halliwell: "Margaret Thatcher was the first Spice Girl, the pioneer of our ideology."

George Michael: "I am definitely not anti-American. How could I be? I have been in love with a Texan [Kenny Goss] for six years and we are still going strong. My feelings about George Bush, however, are a little different. And I know I'm not alone in fearing his politics."

Snoop Dogg: "The KKK gave Obama money... They was one of his biggest supporters... The media won't tell you that. They don't want you to know that. They just want you to know that this nigger befriended this other nigger who be threatening your values. But we all know all presidents lie to get into fucking office. That's they job."

Members of Blue speaking in interview in the aftermath of 9/11...
Lee: "What about whales? They are ignoring animals that are more important. Animals need saving and that's more important. This New York thing is being blown out of proportion."
Simon: "Shut up Lee".
Lee: "Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed".
Duncan: "Shut up".
Lee: "I'm not afraid to say this, it has to be said and that's why I'm the outspoken one from the band".

And a last few snaps

Blyde River Canyon



Cape Town from the Table Mountain cable car. Fortunately there wasn't a power cut while we were up there.



Sharing a drink with the locals in Langa Township.



Nelson Mandela's cell on Robben island. Not dissimilar to some of the accommodation we stayed in.



Dumbo and his mother.



A yawning hippo. Almost as big as Marc's mouth.



Rhinos have very poor eyesight so our instructions were, if they come towards us, just stand still and they might not notice us. Easier said than done perhaps.





A wounded lioness. In the first picture you can see some porcupine spines in her stomach. Aaaah.



And finally, my attempt at some moving pictures. Move over Scorcese.

Some other ridiculous activities

Riding on the back of a big thick ostrich.



A big Irish lump riding an unsurprisingly reluctant horse.



Kayaking - not so ridiculous in itself, until you capsize and find yourself wading through thigh-high mud, losing your sandals in the process (the second of three pairs of footwear lost or discarded by me during the holiday).



Swinging from tree to tree in the Tsitsikamma forests.



Quad biking up a mountain towards the highest pub in Africa. This was the easy bit. The descent in a torrential hailstorm was a bit trickier.

I believe I can fly

Some quotes from South Africa

"It's good to wind up the racist Afrikaners"

"Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and a honey badger?"

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'm bored now, let's move on"

"What's that animal on the road ahead?"
"It's a zebra crossing"

"There was a monkey watching me in the shower"

"I'm jealous of you guys, you've done more in five days than I have in 4 weeks"

"Make sure you wear a bulletproof vest"

"I used to be a missionary, but now I just fool around with my bushbaby"

"It's tursday the tirteent of the turd today"

"How much meat is there in the oysters?"

"Oh no, I've run out of underwear, I might have to go kamikaze tomorrow"

"The man in the hat was circumcised yesterday"

"What time is it?"
"Beer o'clock"

Dish of the day

Some culinary highlights from the last three weeks. Difficult to be accurate, but I think I did at least 18 types of meat and 10 types of seafood.


- Pretoria: Flaming hot Mozambican beef

- Blyde River Canyon: Seafood salad (crab, prawn, squid) followed by roast pork

- Oliphant's, Kruger Park: Kudu and steenbok biltong

- Lower Sabie, Kruger Park: Chicken & lamb braai

- Shewula, Swaziland: Leftover braai meat for breakfast

- Sondzela, Swaziland: Peanut chicken with squash and cabbage

- St Lucia: Crocodile curry

- Durban: Tuna sashimi followed by springbok steak

- Sani Pass: Chicken, beef and corn-on-the-cob braai

- Port Elizabeth: Fish chowder followed by fillet steak pizzaiola

- Jeffrey's Bay: Mutton bunny chow

- Tsitsikamma: Seafood medley (mussels, kingclip, oysters, squid, prawns)

- Knysna: Venison carpaccio followed by crayfish salad

- Wilderness: Warthog carpaccio followed by ostrich steak

- Oudtshoorn: Caviar pancakes followed by quails

- Stellenbosch: Peri-peri chicken liver, snails and dorado fillet

- Franschhoek: Braised rabbit

- Cape Town: Smoked kudu followed by wildebeest steak with foie gras

- Cape Town: King prawns followed by eland and impala

- Cape Town: Tandoori mushroom followed by lamb karahi

- Cape Town: Farewell braai - ostrich, beef and chicken

- Cape Town: Leftover ostrich with blue cheese and port for brunch


Right, I'm cooking something vegetarian tonight.

That must've been a good night

Just found an old Sainsbury's receipt from last summer. Gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Pinot Grigio x 2
Castillo de Calatra x 2
Chalky's Bite x 2
Old Bob
Bombardier
Bishop's Finger
Fiddler's Elbow
Bombardier Gold
Merrydown Cider
Erdinger Weißbier
White Wych
Hen's Tooth

Oh, and some Kettle Chips to line the stomach. Would've been foolish otherwise.

Missed opportunity

I spoke to a woman called Barbara at the travel clinic for advice on vaccinations and malaria tablets. I couldn't help thinking that the place should really have been called "Babs' Jabs and Tabs"

Congratulations

Congratulations to Mark and Reena for getting engaged (to each other I presume). Shame Mark can't spell engaged though.

Trainspotting is just so previous

I spotted an anoraked man with clipboard taking pictures of cranes and JCBs on a building site this morning. Was he a cranespotter?

Any questions?

I'm co-hosting a pub quiz in a couple of weeks. Can anyone suggest any good questions for the sport and music rounds?

I'd define a good question as one which approximately 50-60% of teams get right. Those who get the answer feel rather smug with themselves for being so clever.

Of those who don't get it right, three-quarters tap themselves on the forehead and say something like "I knew it" or "I was going to say that".

The remaining people roll their eyes and mutter something like "stupid question."

It's a funny old game

I sat down to watch a bit of the Superbowl for the first time in a few years. A bit of a silly game, but there were some aspects I particularly enjoyed.

- The speed of time varied wildly. The first 10 minutes took 15 minutes; the next 10 minutes took 45 minutes; and the last 2 minutes of the first half took 20 minutes.

- Commentator talking about NFL teams training at Stamford Bridge during their next visit to London : "Chelsea's fifteen, one and five record has helped them into the England League Cup final".

- Best player name was Randy Gay (I think that's what I heard anyway).

- Tom Petty performing on a giant phallic Flying V Guitar during the half-time show.


The first half was unspectacular, but an intriguing tussle nevertheless. New York Giants' dee-fense (sic) was dominant for much of the half, but the much-fancied New England Patriots managed to take a 7-3 lead into the interval.

Unfortunately, the half-time show took so long that by the time it was over I'd lost interest in the actual game so I went to bed.

I haven't seen the result yet, so here is my prediction (if it's possible to predict something which has already happened):
3rd quarter: New York defense continues to pile on the pressure, but their offense fails to capitalise, only managing a couple of field goals. They take a small lead into the final quarter.
4th quarter: New York begin to tire and start making errors. New England offense leaps into action with a couple of late touchdowns. Final score New England 21 New York 12. Let's see how wrong I am.

Not very taxing

I don't know what all the fuss is. I did my tax return the other day; I filled in some numbers and it told me that the government owes me £120. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

I wonder if I can charge interest on the money they owe me. I fear not.

There's a hooker on my doorstep

Well, not really. But there was a hookah on my doorstep when I left the house this morning.

My neighbours seem to be having an interesting little skirmish these days; this is what I believe to be happening, judging by the positioning of cars and other items.

New people moved into the upstairs flat next door, and the guy, Woody*, started parking his car in the driveway, as there is enough room for two cars. But I think the driveway is owned by the woman from the downstairs flat, Cass**, so she has started parking her car sideways to prevent Woody from getting his car in.

Now Woody has started clearing junk out of his house (including a hookah), carefully placing some of it in front of Cass's car, boxing her car in.

I expect that Antonio*** (who lives downstairs from me) will get involved soon. He normally parks his second car on the grassy bit in his own front garden, but to access this space he needs to go via Cass's driveway. With Cass's car now parked sideways, Antonio can't reach his second parking spot, so he has to park his sports car on the road, which he can't be happy about. I'm looking forward to the next chapter when I get home tonight.


*I don't know his name, but I'm calling him Woody as he looks a bit like Woody Harrelson.
**I don't know her name, but I'm calling her Cass as she looks a bit like an Asian version of Mama Cass from The Mamas and The Papas.
***I'm calling him Antonio because that's his name. But for reference he looks a bit like the actor Vin Diesel.

Cooking it by strong fire

I cooked some Taiwanese noodles last night. Very nice they were too, thanks to the cooking instructions from the packet:

1. Put noodles into boiling water.
2. After 2-3 minutes (at first, cook it by strong fire for two minutes then cook it by moderate fire little by little) please stir it by chopsticks.
3. The lustrous, bright, soft and nutrient noodles should be poured by cold water after it is recovered from water.
4. The making method is unique and needs short time for cooking. The noodles can be cooked, souted and scalded. It can be cooked into delicious noodles according to your taste.

They don't fool me

That wasn't Simon Whitlock in the World Darts Final - it was Brett Lee with a comedy beard and ponytail.

 


And he must be gutted that he was beaten by Dennis Pennis.

 

Surprising question

I phoned up the customer helpline of a bookmaker today, and the woman asked me a rather surprising question:

"Which animal broke your nose?"