The folly of democracy

Gordon Brown insists that the Pakistani elections must continue despite the ongoing situation.

Let's examine some of the main opposition candidates:
1) Benazir Bhutto - "I'm feeling rather unwell so I think I'll give it a miss".
2) Nawaz Sharif - "I'm going to boycott the election, no I'm not, yes I am, oh I'll decide on the day".
3) Imran Khan - "Oops, I forgot to submit my nomination before the deadline so I can't stand".

Pakistan is a country that tends to be a lot more stable under military rule, as so-called democratically elected governments always descend into bribery and corruption. Democracy for the sake of democracy is less than pointless.


I must say though, Gordon Brown is better at delivering sombre, post-tragic speeches than his predecessor. Whereas Blair used to put on his fake 'deeply saddened' face, Brown is always miserable anyway, so he looks far more natural.

Happy Christmas, you cheap lousy faggot

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had earned while making toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I have to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours--all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet. What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. She says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas Tree came to pass.

Petrol head

On the news just now, a motorist at a Chelsea petrol station was asked if he knew that he was buying the most expensive petrol in the country.

"Yes, I know it's expensive, but it's the closest one to where I fill up with petrol"

My bum hurts

The result of the Great Gambit Go-Kart Grand Prix is that my left wrist, right forearm to inner elbow, both buttocks, right lower back, left ankle and right calf are all aching today.

The actual race was won by the red-hot favourite Mr Tethys (a.k.a. Monster of Rock/Moon of Satan/Prince of Darkness) who completed 93 laps in the 50 minute endurance race. He won a bottle of champagne, which he hates because "it tastes of piss".

A good showing from the Operations department to take the other two podium positions - Jasper (90 laps), Norm (88 laps).

Don't feed the frenzy

So another lunatic American has on gone on a killing spree in order to fulfil his desire to be famous. Wouldn't it have been nice if the press had decided not to name him? That would've really pissed him off.

Milk them for all they're worth

On the same day that Tesco have been reprimanded for charging too much money for milk, there's another report criticising them for not charging enough for alcohol.

The moral of the story: have whisky with your cornflakes.

i hang around with more wordy friends now

Snippet of an MSN messenger conversation with my teenage niece yesterday, (her latest web name is "ђєคгt รђคקє๔ ๒гยเรєร คภ๔ lคtє ภเﻮђt кเรรєร"):


ђєคгt รђคקє๔ ๒гยเรєร คภ๔ lคtє ภเﻮђt кเรรєร says:
i don't hang around with my chavvy friends any more

mister guts says:
Why not?

ђєคгt รђคקє๔ ๒гยเรєร คภ๔ lคtє ภเﻮђt кเรรєร says:
i'm a few syllables above them.

My wings are like a shield of steel

During the tea break in Kandy, I was flicking through the channels on my TV, fully expecting not to find anything interesting. How wrong I was. Who says there's nothing good on daytime TV?

There were documentaries:
When Disaster Strikes - examining the toxic mould phenomenon plaguing the US.
How It's Made - revealing how everyday items are made. This week: Carousel horses.

There were game-shows:
Takeshi's Castle - I'm not quite sure of the rules, and nor is Craig Charles on commentary.
Iron Chef America - I'm not quite sure of the rules but I think it's all about two sweaty teams of chefs preparing dozens of dishes amidst much shouting and high-fiving.
Extreme Dodgeball - I'm not quite sure of the rules but I think it's all about throwing a ball at your opponents amidst much shouting and high-fiving.

There was drama:
Bergerac - Jim intervenes in a dispute between two families.
Hercules - Legendary Journeys - Lots of big hair and bad acting.

And there was Batfink.