Delhi Jelly

Graham Gooch was on the radio this morning explaining why Zaheer Khan was angrily waving his bat at Kevin Pietersen yesterday evening. Apparently it was because someone left some jelly babies by the stumps as Zaheer came in to bat and he took exception to this. Thanks Goochie, that clears it up.

Bowling a maiden over

E-mail sent to the TMS website a short while ago. I don't know why it made me laugh, but it did.

"I played against (England women's captain) Charlotte Edwards in an under-15 match about 10 years ago. She was playing for Ramsey. Someone bowled her a bouncer, it hit her straight in the breasts, and she cried her eyes out. Nice girl though."

Lightweight

Marc on the journey home last night. Youngsters these days just can't hold their drink.

Puffs

I do feel sorry for politicians sometimes. Whenever one of them admits to having smoked cannabis in the past they never seem to have got any pleasure out of it - they always say something like "It was only one or two puffs" or "I didn't inhale" or "I didn't really enjoy it". When will one of the poor sods admit that they took drugs because they liked it?

wot a lowd ov nonsuns

In the latest example of the strategy "if we lower the bar, more children can get over it", some woman called Masha Bell (presumably that was originally "Mashable" but she's simplified the spelling) claims that if we dumb down spelling it will improve literacy.
(Click here to see article)

She says:
"Worldwide, English spelling wastes zillions, not onely in terms of time and effort, but in real munny too: for remedial education and to suport functionally illiterate adults. The latter ar also mor likely to becum yung singl parents, end up in jail, be adicted tu drugs and alcohol and hav poor helth."

I find it rather ironic that she managed to spell "functionally illiterate adults" correctly.

Lucky escape

I felt the full force of the terror threat in London the other day, and I can tell you it wasn't a pleasant experience. As I entered Lancaster Gate tube station, there was a suspicious-looking character just inside the entrance. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small detonation device and placed his thumb on the button, poised to do the dirty deed. By this point I was rooted to the spot, too terrified to react. Fortunately a heroic member of LU staff leapt across the lobby with a combination of grace, speed and athleticism. He bravely thwarted the attempted atrocity by politely pointing out to the man that he would have to go outside if he wanted to smoke.

Allez allez allez!

To all the grumpy old cynical farts in East London, Le Tour's visit to Londres was a marvellous spectacle, worth every penny. Where else can a million people go and see a major sporting event for free in blazing sunshine on the streets of our fair capital city?

I look forward to the climb at le Côte de Farthing Common later today.

Round the bend

Several years after the introduction of bendy buses onto the streets of London, I'm still none the wiser as to the advantages of putting the second deck behind rather than on top of the first.

I got on a bendy 207 the other day and swiped my Oyster card on the reader. Immediately I felt rather foolish, as it appeared that it was a free bus for all the other passengers.

As the front of the bus reached the stop where I wanted to get off, the driver wasn't allowed to open the doors as he had to wait until the whole of the bus was at the stop. In order for this to be possible, the bendy bus in front would need to pull away. In order for this to be possible, the bus needed to take a line which would take it into the opposite lane, thus had to wait for a significant gap in the oncoming traffic. So, more than 5 minutes after reaching the bus stop, I was able to alight. Then I tried to cross the road but couldn't because there was a huge sodding bendy bus in the way.

I say bring on the much-maligned Ealing tram, it's got to be an improvement.